You remind me of a friend of mine: obsessed with the comma key and allergic to the period one. Read through it again, 'cause there are run-on sentences that can be broken into new ones or could use a semi-colon instead. And there are a few sentences missing a small word (i.e. "as") or with a misspelled one (i.e. "my" for "me").

Other than the grammatical/spelling things, I loved this. I felt for her from the first moment when her nerves come across to that first swinging punch to the end. Stupid popular girls. Should run them over with a steamroller.
~Sao