i don’t think she gunna be dead, hopefully not! This aint a bad story little confused but nice plot so far.

kay so sabre dude is the good guy who is chaining ainden up in a room got it :D

Woah, i love how you start of your stories, and i love this one and i gotta feeling that im gunna like this story.

Wow! This is really good, I can't wait for you to put the next chapter up!
x-x-x-Violet-x-x-x.

omg! i started reading your story and wanted it to continue from here too! but i have to wait and i will just saying this story is amazing and a different take on roles of vampires and stuff. i cant wait until the next chapter.

Great job at description. The last line was fantastic. =]

~Twilight Starr

i dont think you realise how much i enjoy reading your work si im gonna let you know

I REALLY LOVE YOU WORK!!
GO GIRL!
and please update soon ..

Alright, another vampire story and this one seems to be just as good. Once again, you've taken vampiric stories to another, more original level and that's a very good thing as it is way too easy for vampire stories to be cliche and boring.

The one thing that really stands out in this story is the character of Aiden and her backstory. I particularly liked the ending of the prolouge. It really painted a picture that her past wasn't anything beautiful or romanticized. It really gives this story an edge and makes it much more realistic, something difficult to do with this genre.

I really don't see much that needs improvement. The length of the chapters isnt a big deal as you should write at your own limits. If you like shorter chapters then go for it and the same with longer ones. I wish there was more I could say you could improve on but I just can't find much. =/

Anyways, keep writing!

This bit is for the prologue: You have a fairly good opening. Cliché, but pretty well written. You might try giving it a little bit more kick though. Try something a little different, because even though this is good, it seems rather familiar, kind of "I've heard this before".
Throughout the story, I thought your dialog was good. It gets to the point and really shows the relationships between the characters.
The style of writing you used fits the story well, especially the fight scene in chapter two. I thought that was excellent. It definitely carried the spooky kind of feel you'd expect in something like this.
Nice pacing. The story moves along well, not too fast, but not too slow either. I would, however, recommend that you not interrupt the flow to describe characters. You do that with both Ruthin and Sabre, and I found it distracting, and felt that it really messed with the flow. Instead, try describing your characters bits at a time, where the description fits into the story.
Overall, I thought this was good. It shows talent and technique. Your spelling and grammar were, with the exception of a few minor mistakes, good. The story caught my attention and kept me wondering. Nice job.
Kali

Review Game-Depth

Your hook is pretty good, and I like the imagery that you use in the opening. It gives life to your story.The characters of Aiden and Ruthin are believable. In addition, the lustful thoughts Aiden has about Ruthin are enjoyable. Dialogue keeps me interested, and you have a good balance of dialogue and descriptions. Your plot was enjoyable and not too cliche, but a bit confusing for me. I was caught off guard when Aiden says “That was the vampire way.” It was quite a twist to find out Aiden was a vampire hunter…or at least, that’s what I thought, but then at other points I thought Aiden was a vampire, so you could try clarifying whatever fact is correct. Your story had a good pace. One moment was tranquil, the next moment the lusty characters exchanged lustful urges, and then all of the sudden danger appeared. I liked all the twists and turns as well.
I enjoyed this story. Parts of the story made me laugh, mostly when Aiden talks to Ruthin. I was really confused by chapter 3, but it kept me intrigued. Was it a dream or did it really happen? In addition, when Derek was introduced, I was extremely puzzled. This is a pretty interesting story. I read it all the way through, and although romance isn’t my favorite element in a story, you didn’t overdo it. Keep up the good work.
Syntax: You have some grammatical typos. Try using a variety of sentences to keep your readers interested. I saw some sentences that could be combined. The mom asks a strange question. Look over it. I think she is supposed to say “Where have you been,” but I’m not completely sure. Your diction well creates your intended ominous tone.
Descriptions: I like the way you introduce the character’s thoughts. The story moves smoothly.
Conclusion: Your closing line is excellent! I want to see what happens next.

"a vampire slayer who owes me their life" should be "a vampire slayer who owes me her life".

It was an interesting addition. I'm interested to see about her captor. Keep writing!

~Twilight Starr~

Interesting addition. Great job at description. Nice work.

~Twilight Starr~

good chaps !

LOL What's an H-bomb?
Why is there a dark alley? Couldn't it at least not be called dark alley? THE DARK ALLEY!

I think this should be cut out completely "It happened when I was seventeen. I was walking home from a late night party. I took the shortcut, the dark alley behind my best friend's apartment." The only thing is does is to say "Hello! My name is vampire story and I'm cliché!" The sentences following this is are pure brilliance. There's suspense, a picture being painted and of course, more suspense XD

Some of the descriptions make me cringe though, the ones with over sentimentality especially. They take away so much from the good paragraphs.

Good job!

Interesting addition. It sounds like it did amount to a dead body. Nice chapter title.

~Twilight Starr~