Reviews for The Shadows In Between

Reviews For: The Shadows In Between - Reviews: Page 1 of 2

Rayne Boe 2008-08-05 ch 5,	abuseI thought you should know: I just finished reading this chapter and I have goosebumps all over. That ending was...completely and utterly perfect; I'm simply blown away. I was totally expecting a deus ex machina sort of ending where that god who told her to go on this in the beginning would come in and be all savior-like, and that is definitely not what resulted (maybe the story keeps going and he ends up doing that in the end? Here's hoping!). Congratulations on making me just fall in love with that entire fairytale-like story. Ohmygosh. -fangirls- The current story is also entirely captivating. No wonder Jervaise knew so much about the Lock and Key! Oh, I can't wait to see what happens! You have no idea how excited you've gotten me. This is a magnificent story you have and I admire you for its great complexity for I'm sure there's more underhandedness to come and secrets that are being kept from the audience. ... -insert more shameless praise here that probably sound exactly like the first two paragraphs but over everything else- So. -cough- That aside, I still have suggestions as far as the writing goes but only very minor ones. :) Just understand that whatever I don't touch upon here--and even what I do touch upon--I thought was amazing. :D I didn't quite understand what you were trying to do with the opening sentence. I get the idea that you're trying to use a simile to show that the rain's really hard and everything, but "ocean water pounding on the back of a beggar man" isn't exactly something that I can easily picture or the first thing that comes to mind when thinking about rain, unless maybe I'm reading it wrong. My liking for Marceline is growing and my liking for Adolphe (haha, interesting choice) is declining, but I think that was a point of the first passage. xD The conversation is very interesting, and what it suggests is rather dark. In the sentence "...she cried out in an anguished voice.", the words sound more like she's more angry than anguished. xD Perhaps maybe something like, "...she cried out angrily, anguish in her voice." would work better because, well, I certainly read the sentences as anger. I kind of looked at the "anguish" part in a strange way, therefore, since crying out in anguish and crying out in anger are pretty different. xD When I saw the fairy tale return, I was totally like, "YAY!" :D I think how you arranged this chapter was very well-done. Since the chapter switched between the fairy tale and current story, it made both read really fast (partially through anticipation on the next piece of each) and the momentum of each part built on one another, even though there were two different things. And the ending - ohmygoshtheending - like I said, was excellent. However, in the second passage (first passage for the continuation of the fairy tale), I found the third paragraph constantly redundant with the word "water," and I think a lot of that redundancy can be fixed. In "It was not until the girl ceased to struggle that she realized she could breathe normally underwater.", the word "underwater" can be taken out without disrupting the meaning. Additionally, "...regained her ability to inhale and exhale in the water" could probably do just the same if "in the water" were omitted; the readers understand that she's underwater. :) When I first read "like an oversized demonic tongue," I immediately translated the word "tongue" as "language" because that's just what I'm so used to seeing "demonic tongue" as. xD I just thought I'd mention that because I found it funny. Admittedly, I got a little lost towards the end of the third passage, where they're talking about the Underworld, Reapers, and the Lock and Key. On the second, more careful read-through of that part, I understood. The use of "undead friends" made me think of the actual spirits that the Reapers were supposed to collect and that might've been what threw me because I didn't think they had duties. Replacing it with "one of the Reapers" would clear things up. Also, I found "...collect the souls of our dead" kind of redundant since "dead" had already been used in the previous sentence. What about "...collect the souls of the deceased?" It's kind of implied that it must be the living world so I don't think the use of the word "our" is necessary. I really, really liked how you included Wrath, Despair, and Avarice. That got major bonus points from me. :D And how perfectly they were played! Is there a reason for the names starting with D's? Of these Order members, excluding Adolphe, there's been a Devdas and then a Donovan. xD I also like how the Order members seem to be all different rather than just a group of elite rich nobles or something of the sort. I found "As the Key, her blood calls out to the Underworld beasts. Instinctively, they crave to serve her for a taste of her blood." rather repetitious in meaning and the word "blood." Perhaps combining them would be best: "As the Key, her blood calls out to the Underworld beasts, and they instinctively crave to serve her." or something similar. Something about starting with "In the vision" sounds a bit blunt, especially since the "terrifying vision" has already been mentioned in the sentence before. I'm not sure how to change that, or if it's really necessary to, but it's just something I thought I'd note. I really liked the sentence "A hell on earth, a world without hope, filled only with emotions of fear and despair." :) However, I would recommend taking out "emotions of" and just saying "filled only with fear and despair." since we already know they're emotions. xD It's pretty dangerous to have both the Lock and Key in the hands of only one Order member; undoubtedly something's going to go wrong. :) I can't wait to see what. I've already told you my thoughts (repeatedly) about the end, so I don't think I need to reiterate. xD As much as I really, really want to read on now, however, other things call for my attention so I must again leave this for a while. ): I don't know when I'll come back, but I'll try to read and review again soon. I commend you for your story-weaving skills. And I may be slightly jealous. ~Rayne Boe
BlackDragon of F1R3 2008-08-05 ch 8,	abuseI really like this...keep going
Rayne Boe 2008-08-05 ch 4,	abuseOh whoa. I didn't see that coming at all. xD Dropping Brenna's name like that was genius! I had expected Alex and Brenna would somehow meet up but much later; I didn't realize the paths would merge so quickly. It's actually a really great twist because it seems like Rieze is now a main character, where he was hardly mentioned in the first, second, and even third chapters; now he's overshadowed Alex's place and just... :D This story is wonderful. You're probably going to hear me repeat that for every review. (And I'm not avoiding the fact that Alex most probably is also a main character in the story and that the chapters might still switch back and forth between them.) I enjoyed the swiftness of how quickly you brought us to Clarise's home, giving only a brief overview of the journey itself. It was pleasant and not drawn out at all. I liked how mysterious Rieze appeared in those very beginning paragraphs, and I especially liked how Clarise managed to keep her cool to such an extent. xD I would definitely have gotten a pan and whacked him. I also like how you made the sentence "He coughed to make his presence known." so effective by giving it its own line, and the paragraph concerning how Rieze got in and his initial actions was very well-written. However, what disconcerted me just a little bit was how quickly Clarise changed. I mean, certainly, yes, Rieze struck a chord in her heart but she went from being completely composed to full of emotion in the matter of a few seconds. Even if she agreed to go to Wyles, she doesn't seem like a person who would easily comply to every wish from thereon out. She seems like the type of woman who would still insist on things done her way, especially when she's agreed to something the other party wants. Again, I had somewhat of a difficulty following along the point of view of this chapter. I understand the challenge of having a boy pretend to be a girl, and I commend you for doing it so well. However, the paragraph starting "At that, the healer slowly turned to face her opponent with a guarded look." is clearly from Clarise's point of view because the text refers to Rieze as a girl. On all other accounts, however, the text clearly labels Rieze as a guy, and that inconsistency was kind of strange. At first, because of the mysteriousness and briefness of the beginning, the narrator seemed to be somewhat omniscient-limited, as it seems to be for the rest of the chapter anyway (though it still sometimes slips between the two). Then there were those few points where italicized rather than narrated thoughts streamed through--"Why would Marceline entrust a foreigner with such an important task? It is unlike her to be so careless..." seems to be clearly Clarise's point of view but "We are nothing if we allow our emotions to make our decisions" is clearly Rieze's. While they're confined to their own paragraphs to minimize confusion, I don't know if switching back and forth between narrations like that is ideal; I feel it interrupts the flow sometimes. On a different note, I really like how there is a difference between foreigners and Lancasterans (Is it sort of like pure-bloods, half-bloods, and foreigners? Because I kind of doubt that all Lancasterans and half-Lancasterans would have the same eye color...); I think that's really cool. You're also really good with dialogue. I found myself admiring it a lot. The way the words are used and the large vocabulary makes it seem official that they're both pretty elite people. :) Rieze especially. On top of that, the dialogue flows really, really well. I particularly like it. Although, was it your intention to not use contractions? Because it seems they're not for the most part but then one or two slip in there occasionally. It didn't detract too much from the reading, but it's just something I noticed. Also--and I'm not sure which reads better--but instead of "your friend's son," it's possible to write "the son of your friend," since that's more "proper" or whatever the term for it is. At a couple parts, I felt you were explaining too much again. Specifically, I think the sentence "He used her sense of duty as a trap to reel in her guilty conscience" could be omitted. Let your readers feel smart for connecting the dots. :D I definitely had a small burst of pride for understanding what Rieze was doing, but that sentence kind of burst my bubble. xD I also found the following sentence "Rieze watched as the woman began battling her inner demons, a heavy tide of emotions that were slowly stripped away at her defenses" (I think you meant to say "stripping?") a bit strange because of the use "inner demons," which just felt strange and maybe a little exaggerated, and because "a heavy tide of emotion" wasn't exactly specified what kind of emotion; I'm certain happiness wasn't one of the ones she was feeling. xD Similarly, "The healer's gaze fill with emotion..." and "though its blood-red eyes seemed to glimmer with emotion" weren't as impacting as I felt they could have been. Specify with the name of a strong emotion, and it will maintain the atmosphere you're trying to build. The word "emotion" is far too passive for what you're trying to do. So, after this scene, I'm starting to like Rieze more. :) Then again, I have a tendency to like mysterious, scheming people, although I guess that too is dependent on how they're portrayed. xD Anyway, Rieze is a pretty genius kid so far. The first paragraph of the second passage totally made me go "Oh no! She heard!" but I gave a sigh of relief when Brenna explained she didn't hear much in the third passage. xD I really like this girl; she can see things other people can't and it's just wonderful! I really like her character and her abilities. I did get slightly confused in the beginning, though. At first, I thought she was talking to a tree and then it took me a while to adjust that it was a "grotesque figure" in the tree (at first I thought the grotesque figure might have been part of the tree) and then the mention of a "third figure" made me think there were three grotesque-things sitting in the tree. xD When you say "third figure," is the tree the first figure, the creature the second, and Fiona the third? I actually don't know if I like Fiona; she seems kind of mean, and the "chilly tones" we're left with are kind of disturbing. Oh well, Brenna and Clarise will be "leaving here soon" anyway. :) I really like how different Clarise is with Brenna compared to the earlier passage with Rieze. The diction, tone, and just the way everything's spoken has all changed and reverted back to what's seen in chapter two. :) Clarise is so warm to Brenna; it's adorable. xD This chapter was written really nicely, and I enjoyed it greatly. Look, look! I reached the half-way point! How exciting! xD Now the question is whether I can review faster than you update. Keep writing; the story's wonderful. ~Rayne Boe
WhenceComethThisBoredom 2008-07-31 ch 7,	abuseOh snap! who called it? Rieze acts way old for his/her age. How much older than Brenna is s/he? and why is Brenna asking permission to stay outside? yeesh. I'd just say, "then she continued" and leave off the "to ask". also, in the next paragraph you have an extraneous the. should be "find it" - you've got "find the it". fyi. I don't like Rieze. S/he is too scheming and emotionless. this is not a bad thing, just an observation. that Rieze is a regular Sith lord, what with that poison tongue of his/hers. that bad kid. my goodness. the choice IS yours. you have IF. whoops. I know Rieze is only showing his face to gain Brenna's trust, but there's kind of a creepy sexual tension beneath this scene. I mean, if it were indeed a seduction, think how wrong this would be on so many levels... maybe it's just me, but you DO use some rather sensual description. but perhaps that was intentional. certainly adds atmosphere, if nothing else. I like how Rieze had a lie all ready and everything. hey, so is the twin brother the lock? so first Rieze is all like, yeah, I'm a stranger, but trust me anyhow, and then when she's all, Okay, he's all like, Wait, seriously? you shouldn't trust strangers! make up your mind, Rieze. egad, do I sense a budding romance? I mean, they're too young for romance, but they both act so old, and Rieze is such a creeper and his dad is such a heel, I wouldn't put it past him to hit on some girl that thinks he's another girl and just a good friend. but I really hope that's not the case and I've just been badly conditioned. please tell me it's not the case.
WhenceComethThisBoredom 2008-07-31 ch 6,	abuseHa ha - for a moment I was like, what? Resent HER? but then I remembered. silly cross-dressing boy. also, in case you wondered, every time I read "green-eyed girl" I think of the song "Green-eyed lady, passion's lady" etc etc, which you may or may not have heard. it's an oldie. I must warn you I'm in rather a silly mood, so this may or may not be a very helpful review. But I can betcha it'll be long. Longer than Rayne Boe's! (yes, this is a competition. and I WILL BE VICTORIOUS, darnit!) ((I wish I had reviewers fighting for preeminence over my stories. oh well. you are just that good.)) geesh. what was I doing? reading. yes. anyhow. I like the use of fading blooms and such, but "ravages of time" is a bit of a cliche. I'm trying to think of a good replacement for "ravages", but I'm drawing a blank. "time" could be replaced with "age". in case you wondered. (icyw) instead of "she" you should say "her mother" - elsewise it seems the she refers to Brenna, which confused me momentarily. the description of their appearance seems a little awkwardly phrased in that first sentence - perhaps a bit too wordy? but the "inky hair a shade too gothic" I like, and the thing about sick getting sicker and so on. the description gets better as one goes down. not sure what I think of rosebud mouths, neither. it's just so... princessy. mayhap young Brenna hath a dark, evil side... like the girl in Bad Seed, she's all cute and sweet on the outside, but within burns the fire of Hell! mwa ha ha ha. honestly, though, little children suddenly becoming angry and menacing is genuinely creepy. I think Clarise is scared of her kid, too. she never figured out her mom was just humoring her? didn't she have any suspicions, she being the oddly perceptive child she is? come now, surely there were doubts. btw, "until her mind was too numb to think" implies for me quite a while - several minutes, much too long for a normal conversational pause. but I don't know if that's just me, or how one might change it. actually, the phrase seems out of place. maybe just cut it and end at "away"? poor kid. my uncle threw me in a lake once and I was traumatized. icyw. so, he's sitting up from with the driver as they ride, while this little thread flutters behind him with one end in the window? be this magic, perchance? furthermore, what keeps the thread in place? I hope it doesn't rain. actually, for some reason I imagined them riding in a storm, but I think that's just conditioning. carriages and storms just seem to go together. Devdas is a h? seriously? ! and here they were fighting just one chapter ago... btw, I like that she's wearing a sari. not enough fantasy stories use non-medieval-european elements. oh, ha ha, silly me. I keep forgetting Jervaise is only an ambassador. wow. we haven't met the king yet, I seem to recall. now here's something, though. if she's the symbol of an alliance, shouldn't she have been given by the Avnin ambassador and not Jervaise, who's already Lancastrian? just a thought. gah, this king is a dirty old man. serves him right for having a name like Trevis. in other news, I hope Rolande is the girl and Avery the boy. more girls should have traditionally male names and vice versa in these sort of stories. that, at least, is my opinion. what do they need to inaugurate the prince and princess to, anyhow? here's a question: brenna is the only one who can see these things, but what about being bitten? can other people see her wound? can others be wounded by the creatures? and they're not going to want more blood later on? seems a bit precarious a friendship to me. kinda like bein' pals with a vampire. with A gentle twist. I must say, I am inclined to agree with your other reviewers insofar as I want more of the myth. it was so integral at first, and now it seems to have been forgot. I miss it. bring it back. that said, I'm quite intrigued. murders being plotted against royalty are always interesting. also I think Rieze is totally going to catch Brenna with her demon buddies. but anyhow. I think that's quite long enough. I am now once again your most loquacious reviewer, neener neener, but Rayne Boe may beat me again... only time will tell... ha ha. oh I'm such a silly child. I hope you're working * this, cuz I've only one more chapter and then I'll be caught up, and... uh... forgot what I was going to say. icyw.
Canaea 2008-07-28 ch 3,	abuseI love your characters. I don't anything in the way of constructive criticism, but I can shower with praise. I'm really enjoying myself reading this. It flows nicely, it's easy to read, and remains intriguing. It totally works.
Rayne Boe 2008-07-27 ch 3,	abuse): I was kind of saddened that the continuation of the fairy tale seems to have stopped here. I anticipate it will pick up later, eventually, maybe, when it's more relatable to the plot line again. I like how chapter two was titled "Between Mother and Daughter" and chapter three is titled "Between Father and Sons," even though they deal with different things entirely (I had assumed that this chapter would also have the story in it, like the latter chapter, because of their parallel titles; boy you fooled me!). However, to make them even more parallel, I think perhaps that "Between Father and Son" would have been okay, too, because it's still between father and son--the father just has two sons. :) The beginning of this chapter throws the reader right into the middle of a scene, and I found that fun, even if it took me a few sentences to understand what was going on. :D However, I recommend replacing "in an angry voice" with "angrily." It turns four words into one and holds a bigger impact. Also, there's a typo in the second passage. "...the older man mused thoughtfully, 'wse won't be able to maintain..." "wse" should probably be "we." So, this chapter actually perplexed me a lot. I'm not sure if it's because my brain's frazzled or that the chapter really is just confusing, but I had to read the second (main) passage three times. And I'm still not sure what happened. I know you wanted to be mysterious and it seemed like you were being very careful not to give certain things away, but I think the points were, perhaps, a little too hidden that I just didn't catch what Lord Jervaise and Rieze were talking about. With the mention of Lady Jervaise protecting Alex's birth rights to the revealing that Rieze is, in fact, a boy to Lady Jenelle (is there a reason for the Js?) and the key, I got so entirely confused, I didn't know what to do with myself. It is clear that Lord Jervaise knows what he's talking about and that even Rieze knows more than the readers do, but because the explanations/revelations of the truth are so nonlinear in order to suite their conversation, it leaves the reader--or at least it left me--trailing in the dust behind the tumbleweed. Rather quickly, I decided to assume that Rieze was also a child of Lord Jervaise because of the mention of Lady Jervaise protecting Alex's birth rights--but that assumption was so big that it left me very uncomfortable to keep it. Then, there was Rieze's question, "Why didn't Lady Jervaise protect her as a friend?" I wasn't aware that Lady Jenelle had been outcasted or ousted on some sort of premise; my original thought was that she went out and secluded herself for perhaps her own reasons. That question, then, posed as a confusion to me, and it took me a while to adjust that she had done some horrible crime to get her isolated. Lastly, and it took me the second read-through to get this, "A dark smile touched upon the lord's lips as he murmured..." seems to hint that Lord Jervaise was the man Lady Jenelle fell in love with and, as the later information talks about twins and how Lord Jervaise has "her brother," it led me to believe that Rieze is the other twin. (Also, when I first read it, "her brother" read as "Lady Jenelle's brother" because she had been the subject of the last few sentences, but that made little sense because it wasn't that relevant to the current topic.) However, Lord Jervaise then talks about how "...her lover only brought me news of the male twin's survival." and then I thought perhaps that I had been wrong with my beginning assumption, but then Rieze says something about Lord Jervaise being his father and I'm back to my original assumption. Also, it was only "news," so how would Lord Jervaise been able to have obtained the "male twin's survival" and especially with Lady Jenelle knowing about it? How could she not have known there were two to begin with, considering she gave birth to them? The backstory, evidently, is rather complicated, but I feel it could have been better executed. I've looked over particular parts again just to know what I'm talking about in this review, and I'm still left very muddled as to what's going on. I don't know if that's what you wanted, but honestly, I'm feeling a little frustrated at my own confusion. On a different note, I like your names--character- and country-wise. :) Please don't let this review discourage you. I think the writing was still good and I'm sure things will become clearer as the story progresses anyway, but the initiation of the plot is important too and it just kind of left me rather lost. I'm actually going to retire for the night now. I don't know when I'll be able to pick this story up again, but I do hope it will be somewhat soon. :) I really want to follow along and my reviews would probably be more helpful if they were on your most recent chapter--I'm working on getting there! I look forward to the next chapter, really. ~Rayne Boe
Rayne Boe 2008-07-26 ch 2,	abuse:D This tale you're weaving between these two lovers makes me happy. It's really cute, and I'm glad this chapter advanced it by so much. Speaking of which, I'm enjoying how you're presenting the fairy tale first with insights into the main characters who will inevitably play a role later on in the story. :) It's not overwhelming with action, and it makes for a nice pace--it's also a nice thought that the characters are enjoying the story at the same time we are. It's also great to see how the two are reading the same story but are in different classes; just thinking about them makes me so curious to see what happens with them! The chapter started out really strongly, but I felt there were too many pauses in the second sentence at the end, where it says "...hoping that if the gods would not return her husband to her side, then at least they could take her life as well, so she could reunite with him in the Underworld." It drags out the sentence and makes it sound long because now you're combining two independent clauses into your list of things that are already part of a sentence. I think it would work better if it read "...hoping that if the gods would not return her husband to her side, then at least they could take her life as well so that she could reunite with him in the Underworld." It is lengthening the sentence by one word but I just think it reads better and, somehow, sounds less lengthy. I know this has been mentioned in another review, but "...right before the girl was about to draw her final breath..." sounds a bit strange. I don't think I'd be conscious for my last breath, not to mention being able to consciously draw it. Furthermore, if I were that close to the brink of death, I don't think I'd be nearly as spirited as she was or thinking as lucidly, either. Also, I would think that after she decided that she was going to live and go on this epic quest, that she'd eat first to regain her energy. Originally, I had thought the "narrow pathway" that had melted would lead her to food and water or something. Rest would do her well too. I mean, I understand that it's a fairy tale, but the characters still need the basic necessities, right? :) The god-like-thing that has come to send the girl in a roundabout way to reach the Underworld is a pretty great twist. :) I actually didn't see it coming, but now it seems obvious. (Would it kill the higher powers to just send the main character to where they need to go or maybe even do it for them? ...I guess that wouldn't lead to much of a story then. xD ) I kind of felt "Because I want you to get up and do something about it!" was out-of-character with all the things he/she/it says after that--but it kind of gave me a Disney-movie feel where big important powers switch occasionally into minor humor. Haha. I guess it could work depending on the personality of this god-thing. :) We haven't seen enough of him/her/it. On that note, the girl's "What does that even mean?" question seems kind of unnecessary and also a little out of line of what she's said so far in terms of language, but it's not that noticeable and I could be wrong. I like Brenna (I almost forgot her name was stated because it was only mentioned once). :D The whole monster-concept is rather darling, as well as her mother's response to it. I liked it a lot, even though the scene is rather short. Again, I think a bit more description on appearances would be helpful, but I noticed it less for this passage for some reason. I guess maybe because not much happened anyway. Still, I liked this part a lot. The third part, where the fairy tale resumes, was really interesting. I really, really like how you've crafted this story. :) "The gothic-looking relic seemed rather out of place amidst the heavenly surroundings, and its shadowy aura called out to the girl in a darkly seductive way." had some wonderful imagery, although it totally made me go, "Oh no! That's the wrong one! Don't touch it! ;-;" because, well, things with "darkly seductive" auras usually don't do good things. I'm glad she didn't doom herself from saving the wolf or something because I kind of thought that was what would happen if she touched it. The sentence "It was as though someone had just played a horrible, horrible joke on her..." felt out of place (in language) and redundant. I think omitting it and just leaving "Had it only been an illusion?" would be better. :) Also, I think the last sentence would end more solidly with a period than a trailing ellipses (be careful not to overuse those; periods leave a much stronger impact), but I still like the suspense in the last sentence. Overall, this chapter was well done, and I look forward to reading more. :) ~Rayne Boe
Rayne Boe 2008-07-26 ch 1,	abuseI love how you're combining a fairy tale story with an actual story-story. :) It's refreshing to see that it's not solely focused on a fairy tale (and that it is not a retelling of one, not that I have anything against those--they just seem to be somewhat common when it comes to fairy tale writing). Furthermore, I enjoyed the fairy tale beginning; it was well-written and not too simplistic in its storyline and wording. The tale itself was rather unique but still fairy-tale-like. And of course it has to be about love. -insert a romantic sigh here- It was a good hook and written nicely. :) However, there are a few things that seemed to break the flow of the reading for me. With the sentence, "Later that evening, a mysterious young man, who had been a wolf mere moments ago, traveled to the village where the beautiful girl lived." I think it would be more fitting if "who had been a wolf mere moments ago," was just omitted entirely. I know the idea is to communicate that another guy didn't come and steal her heart, but I think it adds to the air of mystery, "Is this guy the wolf? -gasp-" and I think the idea that he's the wolf is already implied anyway. I was about to take the first road that maybe it was someone else who had captured her heart but my mindset changed when I read that appositive; without it, I think the later part would have been much more, "Ahh, so it was him!" but I like that. :) Also, curiously, how old is the girl? "Girl" almost correlates with child to me, and if she has "blossomed into a beautiful woman" and gotten married, I don't know how much of a child she is. Later on, there were two sentences that bothered me a little. "Afterwards, despite all logic and reason, the girl suddenly realized that the wolf and her husband had been one and the same person. In the deepest part of the her heart, she instinctively knew that it had to be him because she still loved him, even though he had become a cursed four-legged beast..." I felt the tension here drop a little, and I think it might be because these sentences are long and contain some information that the story could probably do without. "Afterwards" is implied because this sentence follows the sentence where the wolf howls, and "despite all logic and reason" is also implied because, well, it's a fairy tale; fairy tales rarely need too much logic or reason. :) Similarly, "because she still loved him, even though he had become a cursed four-legged beast" felt redundant, and I'm not positive why because I understand you're trying to emphasize the point that she still loved him. I think maybe because you're trying too hard to explain her actions--and, in fairy tales, that doesn't happen explicitly too often. I'm also not sure what those ellipses are for; it seems she's finished her thought/the sentence has been completed, and it would probably be stronger if the sentence were ended with a period. Perhaps something like, "The girl suddenly realized that the wolf and her husband had been one and the same person. In the deepest of her heart, she instinctively knew it had to be him. She still loved him, even though he had become a cursed four-legged beast." could work better. Short sentences work nicely to heighten emotion. (: And then lastly, the largest nitpick in this review so far, I don't think "The ground beneath him began to ripple, as a large gaping hole grew around his body" needs to have a comma. If it were read all in one breath, I think it would be much more chilling. At first I didn't see much need for the italics if the parts of the story were going to be separated, but I can see how it could be helpful if the story continues like this. Moving on to the second part of the chapter, the ending totally made me go, "Oh no!" like I didn't see it coming, even though I did. And now I'm greatly intrigued. This passage was nicely written too, and I enjoyed reading it. However, the beginning of the section did feel a bit rushed. I think the problem may be that you throw the reader straight into the dialogue, which is fine, but there is a lack of description of the characters. I have little image of Lord Jervaise other than he's an "aging lord," which isn't really much because, since he has a son, he probably isn't young anymore. I also have little image of the mother, but she's not in this chapter so it wasn't too bothersome. I'm not sure what this maid looks like other than the fact that "she" has green eyes and dark hair (brown, then?)--and the same problem arises for Alex. I'm curious what kind of attire they're wearing; that would give me more of an idea of the culture in the world that has been set up. I know this seems a little superficial of me and I know it's really hard to include that kind of description naturally and make it seem like story-related knowledge, but it allows me to connect to the characters more if I can see who exactly I'm connecting with and in what environment that person is in. I don't even know what the room looks like or what room it is, though judging by the mention of "rest" and "nightstand," I guess it's Alex's bedroom. There was also a part that confused me greatly. "Then, he beckoned to the beautiful green-eyed child standing in the corner." I had trouble with the connection that this was the maid and, at first, I almost mistook it for Alex himself. I think the use of the word "child" puzzled me and would have been less confusing if it were replaced with the word "maid." The inclusion that the maid is just a child could probably be put somewhere easily enough. Additionally, what kind of narrator was this passage supposed to have? At first, I thought it was an omniscient narrator, since everyone seemed to be weighted equally and there really weren't any thoughts interfering, which tends to be seen with limited narrators. However, it makes careful note to make the maid either a "child" or a "she" (I'm assuming it's a boy according to the summary?) and wouldn't an omniscient narrator know who everyone was already? But then I saw the paragraph of "The little maid's perceptive eyes darted warily between the lord and the young master, not wanting to offend either of them. But the Ambassador was hardly a man that was known for his patience." which made me think it was limited to the maid because opinion-statements like that hadn't been included previously. And then after the two leave, it seems to draw back to an omniscient narrator. I suppose it'd be more of a limited-knowledge omniscient narrator, if anything--is that perhaps your intention or have I read this wrongly? I don't know; something seems inconsistent. Maybe it's my head. In any case, I really did enjoy this chapter, and I am really interested to see where you'll be going with it. :) Keep writing, even though I still have six more chapters to read, because the story's pretty great. ~Rayne Boe
Tawny Owl 2008-07-14 ch 2,	abuseI’m glad we got to hear more of the story. It’s strange because the there doesn’t seem to be much of a plot developing among the people reading the story. I don’t think that really matters at this stage because I’m quite engrossed in the story. It was good that two different classes of people seemed to be reading it as well. I’m really interested to see if you are going to bring the two worlds together and how you are going to do it.
Agent Firefly 2008-07-14 ch 5,	abuseI like how you've intertwined the fairy tale with the main story in these last few chapters. There is a lot of information to take in at times, and it can be confusing. But this chapter seemed to bring things together pretty well. I really like Rieze and Brenna's characters, I hope that they will get to interact at some point. Keep up the good work!
Jenny Rocker 2008-07-13 ch 2,	abuseI really like this so far; I look forward to reading more. The story of the girl and her wolf-husband is both unique and engaging and I love how you introduce the 2 children and their parents by showing the parallel of both having the same story read. And in such a short period of time where you've introduced Alex and Brenna, you've already given us a solid glimpse into their personalities. I especially like Alex's rebellious attitude, given the fact that he's ill. Really, nicely done so far. I admit, I've been so entralled with the story and wanting to read more that I can hardly find anything to critique.
WhenceComethThisBoredom 2008-07-12 ch 5,	abuselightning flashed in THE distance. also, technically he should say, "I'll be back in a week or two." Otherwise he's using bad grammar, you know. happy marriage, that... ah, so that's why he wants the key. Jervaise wishes to go deep sea diving and scuba hasn't been invented yet, so he'll just hold real tight to Brenna and... sorry, sorry, I'm being funny. sorry. speaking as a geologist, "igneous rock" may be too broad. "basalt", however, may be too dry for your liking, however technically accurate it is. "hardened black lava" would work, too, of course. oh oh! the plot thickens! I had an Order just like that in one of my stories, before it morphed into something less sinister. as this is a fairytale, however, I wouldn't worry about it. I like how they have ordinals for codenames. I'm also guessing Jervaise is a member of this Order, and that adds a new level to his character. ...her life DOES depend on it, though... is the water physically flowing out as she walks, or is it just getting shallower because she's moving uphill? If the latter, you should change your wording a little. that's a terribly creepy image, statues that melt into masticated meat. shiver. I also like how your three great deeds are in direct opposition to your three temptations (I looked ahead): Wrath to Compassion, Despair to Courage, Avarice to Selflessness. Nice touch. (I'm assuming it was intentional...) Devdas! That's a wonderful bollywood movie, you know, starring shahrukh khan. Also, I like the choppy interspersion of fairy tale with real life. Makes the reading seem faster. two boys and a girl, huh? I automatically thought of the fates and imagined them all girls. if she chooses any of them, I bet she goes for despair. Jervaise is fourth? dude, he's such a double-crosser. He's totally gonna use the key himself, just like the Elder is warning against. what a jerk. "Give me the key! give it to me! it could have been mine - it should have been mine - give me the key, frodo- er, uh..." (sorry, me being silly again...) yeah, Rieze is totally the lock. hey, please tell me this isn't a lock/key pairing like in ghostbusters, where the two parties must, er, join... since, you know, them being kids... but you don't strike me as that type, so I won't worry. there was a star trek episode about a woman who became molded into the perfect spouse by the first man she encountered, his ideal, simply by being around him. this reminded me of that. hurry up and do your editing. I want to know where this is going, because I actually suspect Rieze is not the Lock and I want to know who is. so there.
Aliarcy 2008-07-11 ch 5,	abuse-Stunned- That was...amazing. There's going to be more, right? I absolutely love the fairytale that goes along with the story, it makes it more powerful. Did you write the fairytale or is it a real one? Can't wait for the update! Added to alerts~
WhenceComethThisBoredom 2008-07-10 ch 4,	abuseHa! I think I've just figured it out! The Key and Rieze are twin sisters, and Jervaise is Clarise's unnamed lover and the illegitimate father! Which reminds me. Dream Jungle is not worth a trip to the library, or anywhere. It's an awful book. Don't read it. I had to for a class, and it's overpretentious and poorly written. I'm glad you've been spared it. Oh, wait. But if Clarise is Lancasteran, my theory dies. Poo. Oh well, never mind. Does Clarise know that Rieze is a boy? "...does not have much time left, otherwise, Her Highness..." you should change the first comma to a semicolon. Dude. Talk about your massive guilt-trips. That kid's not kidding about using her emotions to his advantage. Wait, how DID they find her? “I feel like I’ve just signed my name to the devil.” Hearkens to the fairy tale, don't it? evil laugh There's no such thing as black amethyst, darling. Amethyst is purple quartz and black quartz is called smokey quartz. Just FYI. Ah, Brenna's eleven. Final nail in my soap-opera theory's coffin. Alas, alas. Sigh. Adults NEVER understand. No comma in "thank goodness you're here". I don't quite understand this chapter title. I quite liked the other ones, BTW. This one's fine, but not as good as the others, if only because a mundane title is... well, I dunno, I kind of prefer them. Something like "Between Father and Sons" is the sort of thing I would do - an understatement that describes the action, but in the most mundane fashion possible. But, hey, that's just personal preference - this is fine.

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