Wow... That was amazing. And really powerful!

Very interesting, the way you told a story in poetry form. Some of the commas seem a bit oddly placed, and the word "fate" seems out of place, but it was an interesting style.
"I take a look at the brutal world, my eyes burning.
I close them." Love that. My eyes burning especially. Lovely!

aww! this is so deep and powerful. great writing!