Well, you actually managed to keep my interest all the way through, so good job there.

As for my opinion on the story itself, I kept wishing it wasn't a one-shot. Since it was, you had to really skimp out on description and cut down on conflict. Such is the nature of the one-shot (which is why I usually detest them), but at least there were no Mary-Sues.

Or were there? I dunno. Strictly speaking, any obviously Japanese characters that originate in English language fiction are generally characterized by the internet savvy as being Mary-Sues/Gary-Stus, regardless of the merit of the character. This is probably due unfortunately to the large amount of bad teen authors who have watched too much Inuyasha and think that their "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way" heroine is the best character ever and everyone will just LOVE her.

So, Risa's Sue qualities would be that she's undead, killed herself, is Japanese (Yagami backwards is "I'm a Gay". Just as planned), and feeds on blood (generally anything Emo or Japanese is thought of to be Sueish). However, I'd like to think that I can't really qualify her as a Sue since there wasn't enough space for any character development that she would need to be un-Sueified. So, I guess this is just me complaining about the length again. Meh.

I can understand the frustration that arises when you want to write a Japanese leaning story that doesn't suck among the vast amount that do, and people immediately ignore it for fear of wasting their time. Luckily, this time I don't feel like my time was wasted. I'd like to see you write something longer and multi-chaptered (which you might have done already for all I know, as I haven't yet checked). Keep writing then, as I liked the idea. I just wanted there to be enough length and character development for me to care about Mack and Risa's plight more.

Final Score: As someone who generally hates one-shots, this one didn't make me want to kill myself. Congratulations Shinji! 8/10.

Ooh ooh ooh! Very good stuff here. I love the Japanese touch that you added to it as well. Definitely, it was the synopsis that lead me to this story; pure genius. I loved this from start to finish.

- Koki