Wow... I can tell that this is going to one interesting story. You're sentences are still a bit akward and they need some more detail about what the characters are actually doing. Proofreading might be a good idea. The story went by kind of fast in my opoinion. Try to slow it down a bit and make sure that everything is up-to-date, meaning that everything you wanted the readers to know about something are all there in the story.

Your creative ideas are really good. I hope you'll update soon so that I can read some more!(Take your time with writing the story, though. Haha.)

This is a great story so far, very realistic (even though it isn't real at all) in the way that characters act. Your first chapter really drew me in and I am curious as to what will happen next. One thing though, doesn't manga HAVE to have pictures. Is it even possible to write a mange in only text? I have no idea, I am probably wrong, but whatever. Awesome work. Please keep writing.

-Peace out.