Hmm... weird. The beginning is in 3rd person and the bottom is in 1st... the transition is strange, and I think it would be better if it was solidly one or the other.

The beginning of the poem is dry, too... it just kind of goes over things, telling us about their feelings and what they do and stuff. If the beginning was as lively as the first part and it was the same all the way through, it would have a stronger impact.

The bottom half, though, is an interesting venture into a subject that is often written about, but not this originally. It sounds almost as if the husband and wife LIKE their physical abuse, as if it brings them together in the end. It's a morbid idea but yeah, I've never seen anyone write something like that.

-Jesse
Attack of the review marathon! (link in my profile)

Wai~~ XDXD

All strangely nice and twisted, but in the end you really like it and you're not sure why... How like you XD

Especially liked the plot. Nothing that I feel is out of place :D

Thanks for writin' :D

-Iris

p.s. How are ya? Sorry I took such a long time to review, and then when I do it's pretty useless. It's term three and all that stuff XP

Well well well! What have we here? Someone's been busy for the last two months, and I haven't even read any of these little wonders! Someone's gonna have to tie me up and punish me sometime, for this godawful lack of attention that's plaguing me. AGH!
But now that I'm here... I'll gladly drop you a little thought, a little critique. What d'you say? :)

This was super-cut-up, super-different, and yet each syllable screams your style. Even the twisted relationship between the two characters could only have been thought up of and described this way by you. ^^ This is like... if anyone ever wanted to know how you write, I think this would be the perfect starting-point to make them discover you. What to say, what to say? (do I still sound professional up to here?) I adore how it's all spliced up and how the POV swerves here and there at random- the last paragraph in first person is devastating. It opens a window on their relationship and it's pretty hard to understand - is it a love/hate relationship? Or is it simply that he found out about her affair, and she his, and they know they still love each other but just got tired and went looking elsewhere because they couldn't help it... and since stereotypes want polygamy to be shunned, they turn against one another, but even that can't break this "sturdy rope that binds them" that you call their love.

It's a really interesting relationship that they have. The perfect couple, with a dark side lingering where no one can guess ;) I wonder why all your characters always have these completely twisted ways of loving each other? Do you ENJOY fictional torture? :D But yeah, it's no fun if the couple just sit there and sigh happily like dorks throughout the whole fic.

Which reminds me! I saw on your bio that you're writing a review for a "short version" of Twilight? Ah, I'm so glad to hear that you thought the novel sucked :D *...glances up guiltily at the three novels on her bookshelf* I liked it, a LONG, long time ago, when fluff was still a fashion. :D At last I'm not the only one who sees it with sane eyes! But, I didn't know there was a short version. How could they possibly have thinned down three hundred pages of fluffy, glitter-infested, three-words-per-sentence void? They must've used huge wheelbarrows to get rid of all the useless characters, if that's what they did. :D But, I'm curious. What didn't you like about the novel? (don't get me started. I think I might write a parody sometime, if I ever find my sense of humour, wherever it's hiding *sigh*)

Anyways! Back to this little piece of goodness.
Hah, I loved the "I didn't like the dinner." "You... didn't?" "...Nah, love, I didn't." It's such a perfect prelude to a HUGE violence scene that you must've effectively cut out and changed (I bet you had to restrain yourself from making her use that kitchen knife xD ah! you know you wanted to. *imagines you struggling desperately in a straightjacket, begging to be released in order to keep up the gory splendours* Esther: But- but- WHY CAN'T I? *pulling away at her restraining sleeves* Pscychologist: Honey, there are kids in the audience. You've already scarred enough people for life. Esther: ... point. *sulk*) To me, it has the same crazy suspense as "...Sarah Connor?" for some very odd reason xD (if you don't know what I'm talking about, there's no need to worry.)

The ending was pretty perfect. But it would've been cool if you had explained why your characters are doing what they're doing without the voices in their heads - it's much harder, I'll give you that (I failed dismally to explain why Ardeth half-molests Meela in "Synchronicity", a little ficlet over on fanfictiondotnet that you haven't discovered yet), but it's much more interesting for the reader, and if you manage it, people will worship your skill even more than they do now- which is, believe it or not, quite possible. :D But, you did do the whole "you hate it", "DON'T DO IT" beautifully - I love it when you draw us into your parallel worlds like that. :D And you're so damn good at it!
Another beautifully written piece, m'dear. It was time I actually read something again, so why not start with your works? I've missed their twistedness, their intellect, their dark humour :D I'll be back for more as soon as I can!
Much love,
Lilou (who, now that she's as old as you, has the right to write just as much gore and explicit adult situations as ye! BWAHAHA)
xoxoxoxox
xooxoxoxox
ps: KEEP WRITING! Don't let school eat you up! (good luck with your assessment tasks :D I've still got an entire month of holiday... *runs for her life*)

I love how this is written- very intense and poetic. Great job :)

Very diffrent.
But I like It!