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| Luny Loona 2008-07-30 ch 1,  | abuse...'He smiled. He seemed so... sinsere.'...typo. I think the story could have done with more description. Although it can be annoying to read blocks of paragraphs, having one long one amongst all the short one-liners might be a good thing. But of course, that's just what I think. ...'Newspaper headline: UNIDENTIFIED BODY FOUND IN LOCKED LIGHTHOUSE, then, JAMES SMITH LOST AT SEA.' It might have been better to write it into a sentence. Also, it's a little abrupt in my opinion - it's suddenly just there. Overall, the idea's good, but it can do with some elaboration and more work on conveying each character's feelings. Have a nice day :) |
| tasseislove.' 2008-07-07 ch 1, | abuselove it! i love the song! i actually wrote a fanfiction based on this song some time ago. you can search it if you want. on , my penname is Canteloupe. it's a harry potter one. the story is very haunting, it sent chills up my spine. good job! |
| Intense Angel Artist 2008-07-07 ch 1, | abuseUh, that was a little confusing. Like, why was that happening to Susan anyway? And who are Jane and did she just meet Brian or has she known him a while? Why would they stop at a Lighthouse if he was supposed to be driving her to a hospital? What does Jane and the sailor have to do with Susan and who was she yelling at in the beginning? You're very well written and smart, but you could have added more detail to make the story more clear. |