wow, visuals were brilliant. especially the first para., it got me interested.

there are just a few typos,

-1st para: 'almost invisible between the sweat of the dancers -and- my own consciousness.
-1st para: this isn't that important but i think there should be a comma; 'Pay attention, i thought to myself'
-2nd para: comma; 'Did the gun just fire?, rocketed through my mind' (looks awkward i know, i'm doubting myself now too)
-2nd para: 'i hadn't -realized- the moisture'
-2nd para: comma; 'dry clean these later, was my worry'
-3rd para: 'style almost copying me', sounds a little awkward, you may want to reword it.
-6th para: i'm being picky, but overdosed should be one word? :S
-6th para: a little confused with this one, is it supposed to be 'put them a level -higher-' ?
-8th para: 'only they maids', i actually have no idea what this is mean to be.

sorry if any of the above is intentional, or just silly mistakes, i do alot of them as well :S

apart from small things like that, this is very well written, and the images are stunning. maybe just proof-read a little more, and keep writing things like this :)