This was REALLY good, but on that same token, it was REALLY long. Aside from that, there is nothing poor I can say about this. In just one chapter--in just five thousand odd words-- you brought your character to live in a believable fashion. I loved Ruben. I loved Sara. I even loved Rachael. I didn't realize that her user name was Linkin Park spelled backwards until Ruben pointed it out. Duh!

So am I to assume Ruben entered the competition and won? I wouldn't doubt it. Put those words to a good beat and that could be #1 song right there. I was impressed how you had so many different styles of writing and you made it seem, well, seamless. People tell me I'm great at dialog, but mediocre at most everything else. You have great dialog, great descriptions, great song lyrics, and even a believe AIM conversation. (Loved that Rachel accidentally pressed enter)

It's too bad that you went with a short story idea with this. I would have wholeheartedly continued to read this. Well, this was great by itself.