FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| Thoughtful Silence 2008-07-17 ch 1,  | abuseThis was really good. I loved the repetition of 'you know' t'was very effective. The capitalisation on the third to last line was a nice touch, if a bit too obvious. I really liked the lines 'Twines of bitterness twist through my chest' and the image of 'starfilled spectrum'. Anyways, keep up the good work. -Silence, courtesy of The Roadhouse (link in my profile). |
| Isca 2008-07-13 ch 1, | abuse"I don't want to move on." An extremely profound and powerful line. Great work! :) |
| Durak 2008-07-12 ch 1, | abuseI liked it. It needs work, but I liked it. The first nine lines were spot on, and 'twines of bitterness' sounded decidedly "right" - not cliche or awkward. But the double "You know" made very little sense. "Move on" , using parentheses, was, in my eyes, the best line in the poem. So much said in such a small space, repeating the first one but with just a touch of punctuation... great. Why the spectrum is "starfilled", what the "colors" that turn to water (I assumed 'tears') represent, and what the 'windows' and 'shards' were (I guessed your eyes and tears), all detracted more than hurt. While I don't really agree with the first reviewer, the surrealist imagery is a change of pace, yeah; and while I don't think the jacked-up metaphors were a /bad/ idea, I do think you picked the wrong ones. You follow? "Atmosphere" was another confusing word choice, though I do like the protectiveness - at least, I assumed it was protectiveness in "/My/ atmosphere". My only other question is, why the accusatory bent? If they really do "know", then their "smiling" would have to be pretty cruel, wouldn't it? Looking happily on your torment instead of being upset by it? Which is a fair enough idea, but I don't think you actually meant to make that smiling evil. Correct me if I was wrong. |
| DeeFective 2008-07-12 ch 1, | abuseThis is a really emotional piece. It's well-written but the only thing I would say is that the flow is off and the word choice is all over the place. It starts off sort of simple and then at the fourth line you change the language and it's more complex and using a bigger vocabulary but then you switch back again and again. I think that's what makes the flow sort of weird. Other than that, pretty good job. |