   ChazzyLuverGurl 2008-07-16 . chapter 1I do believe that you have plenty of potential. The diction you chose was superb, and your vocabulary was not lacking. Also, you varied your syntax and kept a good flow. I like the story that I've been introduced to so far, but there are some things that need some work.
First of all, description. You not only need to describe the weather, the setting, and the characters' eyes and hair. I need to know exactly what role or status these characters have in society. What do they do? How do they relate to each individual? Who are they? You need to give your readers and idea of how each character is involved in the story. Also, I would like more detailed description on appearance. As you have it, they all seem to be the same with either shaggy brown or black hair. You need to describe how old/young they look, how tall they are in comparison to each other, etc.
The second part to description is the danger of over describing things, as you did with the Valentine. I know that it is an important part to the story, but you went into way too much detail and therefore created a Red Herring (a distraction from the real issue at hand.) Instead of wondering what the character was going to do and instead of focusing on the character's feelings about his mission and any introspective or inner conflict, you chose to focus on every detail of the gun. You don't want to do this because it can become monotonous. Too much description can hurt your story. Try to balance it all out.
Now, characterization. There was hardly any at all. Your characters need to be developed somewhat even in the first chapter. I think it would be a good idea to use their dialogue and body language to help with this. Describe little quirks and idiosyncrasies. I would like to see if they are shy, bold, angry, resentful, depressed, cheerful, lazy, etc. Use your dialouge, facial expressions, and actions to develop this. As it is right now, you have a casting of flat characters. I know it's difficult to develop OCs, especially in the first chapter, but it would be good to catch hints and glimpses of their personalities.
I would say that usually the first chapter is for introduction, unless you are using In Medias Res, as you have. Even so, for a multi-chaptered story, it would be good to introduce your cast first and foremost, then later introduce the conflict. It's not wrong to introduce it in the middle of conflict. But somewhere in the middle of the chapter, step back from the conflict and work in flashbacks and lulls so you can work on characterization. Right now, you're rushing into the story without giving us any background information. You must be more explanatory so your readers will know more of what is going on.
As for the part where you spoke of Cancun, perhaps it would be best if you used a flashback so that readers know precisely what you're speaking of. Right now, the characters are interacting as old friends (which is a good thing but not enough) but we need you to include us in their circle and let us know what is going on. Don't rush, take your time to develop the story.
I'm not saying it's bad. I rather like your first chapter, it's just I'm confused part of the time. It is a good idea to start with action then explain later, but you've withheld too much necessary information. I can't say my feelings on the characters either because they're underdeveloped and watered down. However, I can tell that you could do a lot with them, and I can see that you could write quite an epic tale here, you just have to know how to balance plot, characterization, and development. It could be a wonderful story, as you have introduced a puzzling conflict and have left us wondering why they vampires and werewolves are fighting. Perhaps a chapter devoted to background information would be nice. Anyway, it wasn't a bad start, it just needs some work.
I hope that helps and I hope I wasn't too harsh. ^^; Good luck! :P |
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