FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| concerto49 2008-07-19 ch 2,  | abuseHm, a bit short, and needs some fixing up here and there. Try to really tell the story and bring it out. It's a bit rushy in terms of how it feels and what you've used to describe it. Make use of the first person input you've stated - expand on that. |
| concerto49 2008-07-19 ch 1, | abuseSome good details in portraying the character's reactions to the movie and all. Perhaps this whole thing would have been a bit better with a bit more description on the details here and there, such as where they were in more detail. Be careful with too much dialog in 1 go, but besides that this seems fun. |
| Koki Enwai 2008-07-15 ch 2, | abuseThis is pretty good, but some of the dialogue formatting and overall tenses are screwed up. There are some grammar errors as well, and even a typo in the synopsis. Aside from that, it sounds like you've got a good story. I'll come back for more. - Koki |