Hey girl,

Read through chapter one. Got to say what I've seen so far of the premise is intriguing.

You're right this is an improvement, and I like what I see. I have some suggetions for making it even better.

One of the biggest is KILL YOUR ADVERBS. you have a lot in the descriptions, a lot more than you actually need. As my friend said a long time ago now, you can tighten up your story telling by trying to pull all of your adverbs and seeing how it reads. You won't be able to kill all of them for sure, but a great majority of them are "weedy" IE unneccessary.

I like that you are transitioning to a descriptive that doesn't really datadump on the readers, it could use some fine tuning though. I've found it much more compelling if you can spread out the descriptive over several chapters. Again there are times when a reader gets the entire overview of appearance in one shot (like someone who is assessing another character). But because you are trying for some mystery here, it might be even better to space it out among the course of the tale. You've started that...let see you expand on the technique.

I'm especially intrigued by our shapeshifting, black-skinned man...and I think his description would be best served by this kind of subterfuge regarding description.

A question however - are one of these character the "Main" character? Might be interesting if you picked one character and described the scene by his eyes. Maybe our guy hiding in the shadow? The scientist? Picking a POV and telling the entire chapter from his is going to help you immensely in the telling of this tale.

I've seen way too many books where the author does a lot of head hopping and I know that it can be tempting...but it can also be confusing for the reader, especially if you don't identify who is the one speaking immediately when you switch. Alan Dean Foster pulls it off Grandly...but that's ADF...He's been writing since the 1960's.

Wait that was a ramble...sorry that doesn't even apply really, because this is being told from a Narrator's POV Kinda Third Person Omnipotent.

Just some suggetions.

Sorry I didn't get this to you yesterday, my computer was being buggy...I'll read Chpt two part one here in a little bit...I have a comic page to finish! LOL!

Take care and thanks for letting me read your stuff!

Oh my GOSH. That was insane, I really like how you explained everyone fully detailed. Like some writers feel like explinations are boring, and skip it. I'm impressed! Adding story to my alert list!