I liked this! Your story was very well-organized, following an appropriate time marker and progressing really well (your story is Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon to my stories' Natural Born Killers) over a time period. You've got a good sense of how to let a story (especially a social satire, like this one) unfold over time, which is super-valuable and something you should be proud of.

You've also got a very well-developed voice, which is a good and a bad thing. Overall, it's very good thing to have, but in this story it can get a little persistent and a little cute. Also, a little Douglas Adams (I loved the "door" progression-this door looked like this, this door looked like that, this door looked like nothing, but it thumped-I thought that was hilarious and well-timed but also very Adams.) at times.

Sometimes the absurdity ran away from you and you yanked it back. For example, I was having a great time appreciating the madness of the Masculists, and then you bring up the question of Where Exactly is Joseph (his comments on his exposed manhood)? All of a sudden, I'm focused on fact-checking and not laughing at your imaginative and ridiculous names.

I think this story should be tightened, examined for points of preciousness in the language or plot problems and given a thorough whacking about with a toaster until it looks right. Your instincts are correct-you've come up with some great concepts and I think your issues arise from overthinking, perhaps?

Sorry for writing a novel in response to a short story-it's my first Review Game attempt and I wanted to make sure I was thorough.

It's lovely M'dear. Had me laughing a whole lot.

I can't wait for school to start up again so that I may hear you go on about your latest stories and ideas _

I still love Michael

This is the kind of story that would make me laugh every last bit of laughter out of my lazy internet-going body-if only I wasn't too busy eagerly reading the next paragraph. This is one of the most imaginative stories I've read on here in a long time, and I can honestly and vehemently say that I can't wait for more. The format is neat, the plot is riveting, and the grammar, as far as I can see, is perfect.

(Except for one place near the beginning.)

"But she might of, while nudging Joseph with her foot to rouse him, nudged a little too hard not to be considered a kick."

You probably meant to say "might have", right?

Oh, wow. This is a fun story. (I feel sorry for Albert, though. And Joseph-though to a lesser extent.)

The last paragraph is my favourite. What a fantastic end for a first chapter. Update soon!

Osprey

(P.S. If my summer- and sugar-induced state of hyper-activity is disturbing, I apologise.)