|Reviews for Ten|
| Nighteh 7/20/08 . chapter 1
Very nice, especially for something that's three years old - I'd love to see what you can do now. Some suggested changes:
"We made promises that were impossible
And we believed that they would be kept
But I realized how downright improbable
They are when all you've done is slept" - It would flow better if the last two lines were "But I realized how downright improbable they were / when all you'd done is slept" [the break in the thought seems more natural, at least to me, and the tenses line up better]
"The blood of my eyes made constant streams
My heart poured itself on the floor broken
And regardless of that, to me it seems
You used me as one would a token" - the rhyming seemed extremely forced in this stanza. Maybe, "my heart poured itself on the floor, broken / and regardless of that, to me it seems / you used me as a token."
"And so my eyes, for you they'll bleed
But the rivers will dry as they stall
When reminded of messages you would not heed
For you were merely an onyx wall." - The word order in the first line is awkward, and I don't understand the onyx wall bit, although that could be just me.
| Taki-san 7/20/08 . chapter 1
hey i really like this, keep up the good work.
p.s. check out my story if u get the chance _;
| The Exuberant 7/20/08 . chapter 1