I have one thing to say -

More.

It's good so far. And I'm still awake, very unbored. So because you kept your end of the deal, I left a review AND! I made you your own personal shrine. I even have picture proof, but you'd have to go to facebook to see it if you haven't already. ;)

Yo,

Great story so far! You've already heard about my opinions, but I love it so far. It's something a little different from you in my opinion, but I really like it.

As more comes out, I'll let you know about the progress :)

:( I have to write my review all over again because it didn't save and I logged in. I have to try and remember it now. Okay... Did he kill her? I loved this chapter; it's finally getting good j/k. Um, the bull slaughtering was disgusting, as you told me it was going to be. The description of the blood made me gag, seriously. "It was fluid and runny like soupy porridge. It was lush and thick like cream." I almost puked up my sandwich and then you would owe me a swipe lol. There was phrase that confused me though, it seemed like there was a word missing and I can't figure out what. "the crowd closing in on them as if rushing water" Wait, I think I figured it out. Maybe it's just me but you might want to put "the crowd closing in on them as if they were rushing water" or something to that effect. You'd better update soon or else I'll be really upset with you. :D

hi again, it is currently 3:49 AM as i'm writing this and i'm shooken up at this cliffhanger of yours

firstly, HOW DARE YOU TEASE IN A WAY SUCH AS THIS

secondly, I WANT CHAPTER SEVEN LIKE OMG

thirdly, your half-asleep copyedit wasn't too bad, maybe a dozen typos or so here and there, coupled with a few awkward sentence phrasings, but it really isn't that bad, definitely the most frantic and involved chapter so far

i will gladly read through it again after your revision, you friggin genius, you

it's-a miracle! i finished five chapters and a prologue! procrastination my **, baby

first and foremost i'd like to say that the way you structure the story together with vivid imagery is the fanfic's strongest point. the incorporation of sebastian's dreams give him a great personality allowing the reader to really understand what's going on in his head and how he's dealing with the overpowering bloodlust.

i have to say it was a bit of a twist to find that nynette is the human bloodbank you described, because at first i really thought it was either lily or the woman from the prologue. it should get quite interesting as the story progresses, especially considering the relationships the four main characters share with each other. will some eventually split apart and become enemies? will love affairs be held? i don't know but you've got me giddy.

there's not much that bothers me on the negative side other than the occasional typo and awkward progression structures. i don't know how to describe it, but here's an excerpt of what i mean:

"He wanted to ruin her. He wanted her to be his and only his. He wanted to touch every inch of her. He wanted his tongue to conquer every part of her body. He wanted to taste her flesh. He wanted to taste her insides."

it just seems a little repetitive when multiple sentences are strung together like that. however, in some instances it can work well so i'm not completely shooting it down. the romance scenes are great, by the way. doubtful i would hate those

one last thing i could give my insight on is to incorporate a more descriptive method of portraying the scenes in between character speech. i loathe writing that blatantly uses obscure words to try and sound smart as if the author had a thesaurus around the entire time, but when experimented with sparingly it can really add some life and (dare i say) zazz to everything. by no means am i dissing your writing style for being "basic", because like i mentioned above it's very vivid and a step up from the usual fanfic you would find all over the place, and i've read some terrible excerpts of fanfic.

all that aside, this is without a doubt a powerful story and you've certainly (and surprisingly) got me hooked. who needs harry potter and the wizard's belch when you've got sebastian's bloodlust of the scent?

now, you turn the meat grinder off and feed the wolves a t-bone steak from the fridge.

Again, I absolutely love where this story is progressing. I especially love reading about bloody intercourse at... two in two in the morning? This story is simply orgasmic (pun intended.)

There really is not a whole lot that I would change... maybe try to reexamine some of the emotional exchanges amidst characters? At times, they may seem a little overly dramatic. Then again, maybe the situation calls for it.

As always, keep up the excellent work.

__Brandon Scott

I will admit that while I was present to read the first part of this story during development, I did not expect it to go the route that it has (as of yet.) There are many things that I could point out here that I liked, but Ill try to keep this as brief and to the point as possible -

1) Contrary to belief, your prologue was not all that confusing at all. I always admire those who make an honest attempt to stir things up and place the reader directly in the middle of a developing plotline. I have attempted to do this in the past a time or two, and more often then not ended up writing myself into a corner. Overall, a great and interesting introduction.

2) The character Sebastian seems almost loosely based off of the character Zero from the series Vampire Knight. I have not been able to partake too far into it, but I have noticed that vampires are (seemingly) common theme amidst your stories. Perhaps you'll make the cut as the world's next Anne Rice? (Just don't go all Almighty on the rest of us ;D)

Overall, I have enjoyed the majority of your work. Its very obvious that you put a lot of time and effort into your writing.

Keep it up. Ill be finishing up the rest tomorrow when Im not about to keel over dead.

__BScott

Wow... just wow. I'm on the edge of my seat waiting for the next chapter. This story is so interesting and just pulls you in deeper... Whatever you do, never stop writing.

Hey Keto,
I absolutely love the description in this chapter. Especially the part where Sebastian ran into the bathroom to cool off. I really liked that part and I don't know why. :D One thing that I did notice was that you repeated yourself in the dream sequence. ... and then lunged at her breast, tearing into it. ... he dived in and tore into her breast. I don't know if that was intentional, but you put tbasically the same description at the beginning of the paragraph and then again at the end. As, always, wonderful chapter nad I'm going on to read the next one :D

I really like this story Keto. It keeps the reader guessing about what's going to happen next. The only, I don't want to say problems, it sounds too negative; but hte only things I saw were a couple typos here and there. For example, in chapter one... – legs bent at impossible angels. I assume you meant angles. :) You’re just falling orders blindly. Again I am assuming that you meant following, but I could be wrong. I think that was all I noticed. Great story, and please finish this one! :D

I'm intrigued. Where are you going with this. I think its appealing so far and can't wait to see what's next.

Not bad, I'm waiting for more to come XD

Goodness gracious. Quite writing good stories and never finishing other good ones. :/ You know me, I hate reading multiple things at once!

Anyways, excellent start for a mysterious plot line. Might I say that, if you don't think it is a vampire story then... what the hell do you call that last scene? 'Oh, he just felt like killing a chick that smelled good.' ... Ok. lulz

Keep up the good work Keto.

Love,

"Faintels"