Though it's unfinished, the poem is still nice. It carries one of thoe distant angry tone in it.

[crown the girl (named Jamele)
with a diadem filled with
thorns
of vanity, lust
and
envy]

For some reason I reason I really liked those words. It was like giving the girl Jamele an authoritive figure, but with qualities that aren't meant for the best of humans.

Great poem.

C.S.

I've read several of your works here and I'll comment generally. "Siren in the Attic" seems almost epic in scope compared to many of the other snippets. In this one at least you use some strong, concrete anchors to a real world, like a diadem, crown of thorns, princess of nymphs, the second coming.

Problem is, do you use these anchoring images to optimal effectiveness? The girl's both a "righteous princess" and vain, lustful, and envious. Such ambiguity is common enough in poetry, but it's also commonly used as a mechanism for _not_ saying what is truly felt; a self-defense mechanism, if you will.

You cite Rimbaud as a favorite, but where's your blazing symbolist poetry? Many of your other works come across as tiny scraps of doubtful meaning or, more accurately, if a reader can't plumb a meaning, then can meaning be said to exist? I don't think Rimbaud did it that way.

I'd encourage you to be more emotionally open in your work, and keep the concrete images in, and enhance them, and use them in a more symbolistic way.

Luck.

It seemed weird that you put a period after the third stanza because really the first and second ones were sentences as well.


I did like this, your line breaks worked really well to create a flow and I like your word choice with "diadem" and "airy hearts." Nicely done.

I love this poem. Something about the way it concludes (even though you say it's not finished) is just haunting--maybe because I see an attic as such a lonely place and that's where this "siren" is. Nicely done.

i think the (named jamele) ruins the flow of the peice.

the way you've started a new line sometimes, only works sometimes.

eg. i think going

righteous princess
of
nymphs everywhere

doesn't work. i just doesn't flow well to me.

that said, i like the theme of the peice. its a beautiful metaphor. besides the flow i wouldn't really change it.

siren in the attic is a beautiful description btw.