Zoey I hate you! How could you! aw...*sob*
luv,
Guess Who Is Mad At You.

This is a really good story. I started at chapter 1 and couldn't stop until I finished it. Your writing kept me in suspense the whole time. This story has a nice twist with Daniel going to Jack's house without realizing it until it was too late. good job. no grammar or spelling errors that I could find. Please r/r my material. My username is roalwand.

that's pretty spiffy! I wonder what going to happen to Danielle! I will read the rest later...

Hey, Im glad you let us know how old they were, and why Lou ran away. You still have to explain visitation, but it was good. What is Drew doing for all this time? jw. anyway, keep at it!
luv,
Glory!

First off, my apologies for taking forever to reply. ;)

You've got an interesting start here, but a few suggestions: where are they? At the beginning, are they at a church? School? Community center? Also, do you have any notable background information on the characters? Personally, I have trouble keeping characters straight in my head, so if I get a influx of names without any characteristics to them, I can't remember who is who. Are Danielle and Lou friends, or are they just working together on this thing? Could you also explain more about Danielle's and P. John's relationship with each other? Don't forget a character's backstory and their relationships with each other.

Of course, if you're going to go into detail in later chapters, disregard all that. But I would like to see more detail when introducing the characters, because of my shoddy memory.

Okay, now. Visitation. I have no earthly idea what that is. Please, somewhere explain. I know that you mentioned later on in the chapter that you pass out gospel pamphlets, but explain what exactly those are as well. Also, what kind of neighborhood are they in when they're doing visitation, and is there a good reason why they aren't allowed to go pass the intersection? Is that like the unofficial barrier into "the bad part of town", or was it just because P. John said so, and if you don't listen to P. John, then you get punished? From what it seems, the more houses you hit, the better, so there's really no strong reason for why Danielle shouldn't cross the street to get another house.

As for your writing specifically: well done. Your mechanics and spelling are good, and you actually understand grammar (which is, as you know, a rarity). I would like to see more description, but there were some that I really liked, such as mentioning Lou's shadow and the sound of her footsteps when Danielle's in the bathroom. Try to add more of that.

The ending was a surprise, and I really liked that guy's fake interest and attitude with the pamphlets before turning around and pulling the gun out. Just make sure that he's not just "evil" and he has a good reason for what he does. I'm curious to see what happens!

Hey. Im just to lazy to log in right now. I LOVED that! lol. it would be just danny's luck to go to his house lol. Write more!!
luv ya,
Glory!

Ok. Maybe I did get carried away with that name! I need a favour.(How ever you spell that wretched word) On sirbenkelly's profile; that pic, is that his foot? 'cause, if it is ; that is so sick nasty! Anyways, Talk to u l8r!!

Hey! That was good. You nailed the mental image thing we talked aobut! lol. ! Question I forgot to ask though. How old is she? Is she a senior or a junior or what? jw.
ok, luv ya!
Glory =]

Audrey it won't let me send you a message till after 24 hrs... so i will talk this way if you can get these fast enough? actually what is your email??

Dear Author,
In my view, your work... ahem...well um... i have done better but not to worry for you are on your way?!?!?! i think? :)) oh btw this is ben wireman! :P my brother can write better then that! jk jk, good stuff!!

lol, wow. I glad you wrote more! The suspence is really getting to me know though! I want to know if she lives or dies!Write more!

I love you! I'll miss you too! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! :)

That was really amazing! You are a great-great writer!(P.S You know that I'd never do that to you!)You could publish some pretty cool things!

Oh My Word! This is really good. I dont remember this part of the story! I want to know if the 2nd brother is as evil as the first! Write more!
luv,
Glory =]

Holy crow! That was scary. Your dream has a much more sense of reality than mine did. I liked it, and I think you ended it just perfectly.