 Charles Moretti 2008-07-30 . chapter 1Beautiful! Sad yet some happiness in the nostalgia at the same time, it works really well. The rhyming is great and helps keep it flowing nicely, and never feels forced. I especially liked the second stanza, where there's this darkness and the idea that the memories are constantly haunting you and you cannot escape. The third line of that stanza is a bit confusing, but that's either because I'm tired or because of some silly grammatical thingie.
As others mentioned, there is a choppy feeling to this poem- it might not work elsewhere, but here it seems to work... You're going through your head recalling memories, and that choppiness helps give that effect. Another reason I love the second stanza the most is it feels more poetic, the lovely first line and the allegory and rhetoric used throughout ("spoken floods" and "like a movie"). This poem works staying away from those for the most part, it gives it a sense that it's real and emotional. But it's fun to experiment with rhetoric and poetic devices, just seeing what fun you can have playing around with words and images.
Anyhow, enough rambling. A lovely piece, well done! |
 Zoey McCusker 2008-07-30 . chapter 1Wow! This one's my favorite and will become a favorite! (if that made any sense whatsoever!) I really love it when authors today write about moods and emotions that everyone can relate to at some point in their life as common ground.
But, i did notice that it was not very smooth. It could be almost choppy at times. So, just work on making everything blend and flow.
But overall, great job! |