Hey! It's still me but they are retarted and don't allow more than one review per non-anonymous person.
Okay. About grammar... I found four things.
1. "It leaves my fingertips in a weak arc. Doesn't even reach the window..." That last one is a fragment and could be added to the one before it. Or, you could put "..."?
2. "If I screw up on more..." Should that be "one"?
3. "as everything starts to go dark around me, what's left in front of me going intensely white." That should be two sentences. And if you do, "going" should be "goes".
4. The next sentence reads, "My neck feels rubbery, then the weight on my knees is sickening." That should also be two sentences.
But, with a story of its length, you did pretty good! I hope I helped! :)

Wow! Why'd u stop there? Not only was it really intriguing it was really well written!
You had just a couple gramatical errors, but nothing serious.
Keep it up! I've been looking for another story to read! :)