Hello! I really love the Pendragon series, and right off the bat, this reminds me a lot of the Other-worldliness incorporated into those novels. I liked that you're able to create whole new creatures, that's always something I find hard, like the creation of "Earth-beings".

I also enjoyed your word choices, because I think the word "flick" is a pretty cool idea for well...I'm not exactly sure what happened, memory whooshing back? It's cool to have a reoccurring theme, I glanced at your first chapter and saw you used the "flick" a lot there too. Though I didn't read chapters 1-4 thoroughly I was still able to receive a very innovative creative vibe, and I found it also interesting that your story takes place in present tense.

Upon the subject of present tense, there were a few slips, but nothing major, I'd just check over again, make sure you're not using words like "was" ect. I always find it a challenge to write in present tense, and you're one of the first writers on fictionpress I've encountered who keeps it pretty consistent, which was nice.

Also, I felt really engaged with the character of Mercaz, kudos for creating an entirely different world, I've never thought about "evolution-gone-awry" but it's a very creative place you're taking the story!

Happy writing!
Emily

wow. just wow. i love it!

you have a really strong opening. its so deep, and calm yet very emotional. you really set the scene very well.

i love the vauge words of your character. i love how she doesn't quite understand her surroundings or her mind. it makes her interesting.

you have a good even amount of dialouge and description.

The ending wasn't as strong as the opening. Your great style falters a little there. Try rewording it. Keep that vaugeness that you had throughout the most of the chapter.

overall, i loved it. xoxox groovi

It's good so far, but what you might want to do is shorten the paragraphs a little (towards the beginning of the chapter at least) since they were getting a tad lengthy.

Strong beginning. I like your choice of words, and the amount of detail. However, I would beware of sentences that are all the same length in the descriptive paragraphs. Sometimes they tend to be a little long, so be careful of run one sentences. The plot is slightly confusing in the beginning, but comes together well in the end. I think you state well for the reader what you are planning do, which is good. It would also be nice to get some more descriptions of what the main character looks like, or some more personality. Good luck, and keep working on this piece!

I like this story :) But I'm slightly confused over the plot so far. But then again, it's only the first chapter. I'm interested to see where this goes :)