|Reviews for White and Red Dress|
| Jesse the Storyteller 8/17/08 . chapter 1
At the end of the first stanza, you say that the man is blind. In the very next line you say that he is not blind. That contradiction is bad. I know you were trying to make a point, but it ends up just sounding confusing and silly. Maybe if you had skipped all that and combined them, saying "A man who was not blind, but proud / For so long he did not see the clues" or something, I dunno. It's your poem.
"A groom with his ladies, a bride with her men" - this is a great line, it is a powerful image, very original.
However, the couplet at the end? About how she rips the dress and the seamstress... the rhyme seems really forced, it's a clumsy line and sounds ridiculous.
"Then the groom turned around, so indifferent / and went back to his mistress' bed." GREAT way to end this - haunting and powerful.
This entire poem needs punctuation, however.
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