Hey. This was really pretty interesting. It's not very often that someone has the guts to write something like this. One thing I really liked was the fact that you showed natural sounds/events that eventually evolved into the humans hunting the main character, who in themselves were like animals. That was fantastic. One thing I think you could work on is description. It can really beef up a piece. As readers, we want to feel what the main character is feeling, yes, even if it is getting gang-beaten.

Overall, interesting piece!
-DV-

Guess what?
I loved it! Again!
I love your stories keep it up! I still haven't read them all but I can't wait!

Review Game!

I like the overall effect of the italics vs. non-italics. It gives some past about the character while still starting with some interesting action. However, I was a little confused about the setting, both where the two were and when they took place.

The dialogue was good. It felt natural and got much of the plot across.

So, I read chapter one first and then read the rewrite, and there is incredible improvement between the two! So, congratulations on that! ^_^

You're very good at strongly conveying mood and setting without totally smacking the reader over the head with descriptions and such. Very good. One thing I would check, though, is you still have a few typos and such here and there. Mostly minor things that spell-check probably won't catch. For instance:

"‘Deep breathes, in and out,’ I told myself" Should be 'breaths' there instead of 'breathes'.

But overall, very good!

Dang, those kids are mean... A few grammatical errors I noticed: Watch the difference between breathe and breath (breathe is a verb, breath is a noun), and when and when not to put apostrophes between a word and an s. Other than that, I like this a lot! It sets the scene with something seemingly unchangeable, so that you really do have a "rock-bottom" base to start from. Which pretty much means that afterwards you can do whatever you want and the reader will just follow along. Nicely done!

I didn't like your typos/grammar malfunctions. Like I said, these interrupt the flow of the story, and get nitpicky people like me after you. :P

I did like the mood you created, though. The hopelessness of the main character was definitely felt.

- Octavia

Review Game!

I'm thinking you'll want to read through this again and try to catch all the typos, because right now there's a lot of them. And you probably want this to be more polished if it's for a contest.

I didn't really like that the girl was telling us about this after the fact, because it didn't live up to its full potential in this form. I think it would be a lot better if you actually showed what was happening as it happened, and maybe expand a bit more. Why are the kids treating her like this, for instance? Also slow down the pacing a little more.

It's a good start, though!