I don't like how you end it with a period.

I do like the piece, your descriptions are great. I really love the line "hope is a four-letter lie" and the ugly duckling thing. A really great piece as always.

I love it, partly because I can definitely relate to this. :)

There are some phrases in here that I really adore -"hope is a four-letter lie"//"wet hair crushed miracles and lullaby tears"//"murder the sunrise. Great piece with beautiful words, as always.

There are a few things that could be changed/simplified a bit - I think once simplified, the point will drive deeper, inside of hiding behind some adjectives all fogged up. Although I must admit that, even when not simplified, it's still pure elegance.

So:

"armageddon couldn't be raw-blazing beautiful" - Remove the 'raw-blazing' so it's just "armageddon couldn't be beautiful". The reason behind this is that- Armageddon in literal form is raw, and blazing. By trying to say it's raw-blazing beautiful, you are not only contradicting yourself but also stating a redundant adjective.

"i murdered with
my own fucking hands because i was desperate to grow up"
-By incorporating slang into this sentence, you really show off your regret and anger - it's nicely done. However, I think you overdid it a little - if it were me, I would just use 'damn' instead of 'fucking'. Before that line, everything seemed elegant, despite the angry and desperate undertones, and this line just shattered that elegance. Using a lighter slang word would still enhance what you're trying to get across, but it wouldn't stand out too much. I hope you get what I mean. My opinion.

And finally the last line - I think it would read better if you removed the 'but'. Not quite sure how to explain this.

Anyways, this is a fantastic piece, despite what I pointed out. And you may have noticed that this review contains a lot more criticism than I usually give you -that's cause I'm trying to have a more critical eye for this kind of poetry.

great word choices in here such as pseudonyms and armageddon. i also liked the line (the ugly duckling grew up to be an ugly duck).

the sweetheart, and honey were a little distracting for me. but that's probably just my personal opinion.

other than that, it had a great flow. nice job

Am I allowed to say Holy Sh8!? I'm new to this review game, but now I'm THRILLED I hopped on. Your words are so powerful, your images amazing. I'm not going to only review one of your pieces, I can't wait to read more! Simply amazing; one of my favorites.

"i'll untangle from this spiderweb shatter pattern
of the innocence i lost, the childhood i murdered with
my own fucking hands because i was desperate to grow up"
AMAZING!

I love this. Every single line.
It's all truth. It blew me away.
Great job! Keep it up! :)

Okay.

What is the theme? Misery? Depression? Self-loathing? Something somewhere within this web? I guess so. Fair enough. Now, does your poem take maximum advantage of the language to reveal your theme?

stanza 1. "Bittersweet endings" is tempers your theme. Pure bitterness would be supportive.

The recurrent honey/sweetheart figure cuts against the fatalism.

"in another life that we might share" again belies the theme of a desire for death; you'd prefer another life.

Inconsistencies, I think.

I dislike several of your constructions. "raw-blazing beautiful" doesn't work. Same for "spiderweb shatter pattern" and "listless grey light." More like words snagged for their syllable-filling roles than because they are the right and proper expressive words.

One thing I do like very much is your willingness to ignore rhyming "conventions" that most would stick with unswervingly. Mostly I mean how you don't make your sentences or phrases end with the ends of lines. Example: "and watch the planet spin/around" and "murder the sunrise all we/want." Now if you can combine that with more focus and perhaps better word choice, then I think you can improve quite a lot.

IMO.


Luck.

yes, this is awesome. I mean AWESOME, baby. you can't complain anymore of writing crap because this is lovely. I agree with you, sometimes we're so eager to grow up and then we loose ourselves. i used to do that a while ago but now i'm holding onto everything that is linked to my childhood because in a way, its like your history, it connects the dots, it connects everything.
i love the way you can write such long sentenses and keep them running beautifully. mine are always cut short with bits of imagery.
you should fall in love with your own poetry :) well done

love the summary. and you have a bunch of really great one liners like "the ugly duckling grew up to be an ugly duck" it, as a reader, kept my interest so good job.
On the other hand, this line seemed a bit choppy "think it's too late, i think i already hate" and having hate repeated in the line before just threw me off.
Lastly, I like when you refer to falling apart into empty poetry. Very nice.