I really liked this one-shot more then some of the other ones I've read. The visualization for "Steadfast bristles skim his teeth" was so very intense. I liked the nature of the characters as well as their descriptions. The third paragraph seems too blunt, I wish there was some sort of leading into and out of it. I actually think it would be cool to turn this into a longer story if you are up to it. Finally I wish the guy broke out of his shell and got the girl but that's just my preference. Anyway you've got talent, keep on writing.

konban wa

Gotham! I took that course over the summer! =) Small world, huh? So I figured it was only right that I check out (and, naturally, review) some of what you have written after all your absolutely wonderful reviews for me.

Wow! You have such raw talent, my dear. I feel like I am reading poetry in prose format, which is absolutely beautiful. Your imagery is a delicacy.

What I love most is how the title just fits so perfectly to the story, as if you picked it only afterwards. 'The Window' is so telling a name. The window is all that stops him from joining her, and yet it is an impassable blockade. I know that you are usually given a tight time-limit to write the story or poem, which makes this all the more impressive. Kudos. I really like this!

Ha det
-Shan-

This was so well written I was compelled to review this. You are a brilliant writer and I really think that you should expand on this short story into a multi-chapter story, it has a lot of potential! keep writing! But I was curious about the title because Gotham is the city Batman protects...

Congratulations on winning the Review Marathon! (Sorry, I know I'm late... I do have a one week extension, though!)

I like the descriptions of these two people. It's two paragraphs, but they explain so clearly the sort of people they are. I can imagine their complete personalities just from what you've given.

Or maybe I can't, because I was surprised that he feels that way about her. It seemed like he was entirely unfeeling and wrapped up in his own precise world (you even said he was oblivious to his schoolmates), so this was a definite surprise. It wasn't really the good kind of surprise, because it wasn't believable. I think the great descriptions and the style make up for that, though.

I like the creativity you put into this. I'd be interested in doing some short story projects with you. I have a short attention span though so you'd probably end up fleshing out the carefully tacked out plot.

Excellent. I can't give any constructive criticism, because you've written this very very well. I love the interplay between dreams and reality and the melancholy tone of the passage. Wish we had good assignments like these!

Too bad this is only a one-shot! I loved it, a lot. This line, right here: "Steadfast bristles skim his teeth," will probably go down in my list of all-time favorite poetic prose. You clearly have an excellent command of the english language, and of how to bring characters' reality close to the readers themselves. Furthermore, I really liked the analogy of the window, and the contrast between the characters. The only thing I wondered after the end, which I would have loved to know, is: Do the windows look different to each of them? I guess I shouldn't picture it as a real window, but I imagine one as grimy, dusty, and the other clear but clouded. Consider writing on with this one!

This is sweetly sad.
I really liked this piece.
The first two paragraphs are nice and the descriptions are vivid. I think the third paragraph seems a bit chunky and doesn't flow as well as the rest, but that could just be me.
The last paragraph is strong and it stays with me.

Very nice writing.

~Caecilia, down at the Roadhouse

Very nice short. It had a very curt and rushed pace when you were narrating for him, then changed into one with a more at peace pace by the time you narrated with her. I liked the woding and how you allowed everything to come together rather than forcing it together.

C.S.

For some strange reason I felt as though I were in a clock while I read this. A clock or a sheet of bar music. It was probably the idea of rhythm and beat that you established in the first paragraph. It stuck with me for the entire oneshot. Really well-done!
-Stardust.

Oh you used semicolons! Yay you! :P

"she thinks it so beautiful that God must have" I think you mean it's.

The girl seems really unrealistic. She's so sure of herself, at peace with herself. High school students aren't like that. I thought about the idea that they're college students for a second, but that doesn't work. High school students "walk to school", college students "walk to class" so yeah.

Hmm.. The first two paragraphs were lovely and detached. They objectively described two characters very opposite from each other. It had the feeling of an observer, simply stating facts.

However, I don't like the line "She is everything he wishes he could be". He didn't sound unhappy in his routine. I thought he was OCD or something, unable to envision a life without the routine. So when you start talking about how he is imprisoned and all this... I didn't feel like it was real. It didn't seem to fit into what I knew of him already. Could be also the fact that he seems more or less emotionless in the first paragraph, as people obsessed with routine often are, so to suddenly give him a poetic longing and a romantic attachment to a girl... it was out of character and odd. The last two paragraphs would work a lot better if his description did not make him sound so robotic.

I liked your idea of there being a window between them and that is the only glimpse of her world he will ever get. That was an interesting spin on "the window" idea. :)

-Jesse

Interesting. This was very well written, and I don't just mean the basics (grammar, spelling, structure). The descriptions are elegantly done, and from very little we get a grasp of what each character is like.

My one criticism is that it is little more than description. You've started something nice, so why not flesh it out a little? You fulfilled the assignment, but since you're posting it up anyway, why not do a little more? Just a suggestion. Feel free to ignore.

Oh this story really pulled me you. You wouldn't even believe me. I was literally sitting here thinking "No! Open the window! Open the damn window!" (Out of fairness, I haven't slept in almost 36 hours, so I'm not entirely lucid right now).

It's unfortunately short, but it was very interesting for what it was. The life he wants but is too afraid to open the damn window and go for it. The life she wants to avoid and the window that keeps the worlds separated.

Loved every word.

I noticed I got double reviewed, thus here is my review for your story. :)

I really like the ways you expressed things, e.g. "His life has always been defined by numbers", and that encompasses the whole "showing, not telling" that writers are supposed to have.

The one thing I didn't like is how it was so short-- but it's a mood piece, so I figure it doesn't really matter.

~ Review Game

Wow, fantastic job! That was really fun to read. I think that we should all live like she does: carefree and curious. The guy to me seems like the world today, and the girl is like the "good ol' days". Maybe I'm delving too deep into this... I've been known to do that. ^_^'

Anyway, I love this story! I'm a sucker for a good one-shot, so you have me hooked. It doesn't hurt that you write beautifully, also.