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I like the ambivalence of the speaker. Becasue the overall tone was uneasy and unsure, the last stanza really came into focus as the speaker wondered about her position in the world and her beliefs.

I also liked the analogies you used with the broken crystal pane (the use of the word pane is clever also because it sounds like pain). in the rest of the poem i would suggest trying to use those kinds of images to portray the feeling you want to evoke. For examlple you use the word raw three or four times in the poem. Try to find an image that would succinctly get that message across.

Bubbles :P

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I know you said it was something you wrote as you were thinking out loud, but it doesn't seem to flow. Writing what you're thinking can be a great way to get ideas and things, but most people's unedited inner thoughts aren't ready to be presented as they are. Maybe that's why I'm not completely sure what this was about.

I like the questions that are asked at the ends of the stanzas, for the most part. There's a sense of... trying to figure out who you are? However, it seems like you know who you are and you're asking tentative questions to appear like you don't know.

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Hello, RM winner! -waves-

I like this idea, because I can see it having a lot of potential, though at the moment this seems almost like a rough draft of sorts. Reading it...it didn't really flow very well. So that made it a little hard to read.

While I like the idea, I didn't like so much how it almost seemed like you were jumping around a lot - this, to me, made it hard to understand how this whole thing was supposed to tie together. At the moment, it's not all connected as well as it could be.

A good enough idea, just not really well executed.

What exactly _is_ the theme of "The Difference?" The writer should know that without a doubt, and the reader should be able to at least get close to answering that question. What is the target the arrow of your poem is aimed at?

Writing, poetry, prose, whatever, can't just be reporting one's view of the world. That's what diaries are for, and only people who want to blackmail you care what's in your diary. To some extent you write for yourself, that's very true, but if that's all you're writing for (and let's be honest about this as long as we're being honest), then you're a dilettante. An author is a salesman in search of a market. You absolutely must connect to some audience out there.

I like how in your first stanza you deflate those uppity-types who profess to admire High Poetry that they don't understand. Bravo. You do similar tricks in later stanzas. That's what's best about "The Difference."

What's worst is throw-away lines like "I say about myself that I desire excellence,/But is that so?" Look, you have to decide, and I think secretly you already know the answer. No one said we must praise only angst and horror and reject beauty and caring. Your task is to elevate what is highest in human nature to Art, which is more difficult by far than all this chattering about teen angst and cutting one's own flesh with razors and all that stuff.

I love that "shattered crystal pane," although the concept's really not adequately developed. I admire you put God and doubt side by side in your poem. You're about 85 percent of the way there. Now push hard and get there all the way!


Best of luck.

Personally, I really liked this poem. Sometimes the punctuation wasn't quite right, or there should have been some put in or taken out in spots, but overall this is a really beautiful piece.
As for the "weird reviews", I have only one comment: You are writing for you. You're not writing to please, to entertain, to flaunt your ability. Or if you are, you're writing for the wrong reasons.
So relax, enjoy the ride, and if you get a few flames, that's all right. Use them to improve yourself, but don't get down on yourself for them.
Sorry, this was a longer post than I meant it to be. *sheepish grin*
Keep writing!
~Music

I think you miss the point of show me dont tell me. A poem should make me think, not listen. It is hard to see the content when only listening to the rants.

Takes a deep breath. Okay, this is going to sound awful, but int the spirit of improvement. I don't know. I think the way the words flow is stunted somehow. I guess that goes with the overall effect, but...

My question is, should it come off as so pretentious? To me it sounds like a happy suburban life-teen who is trying to fake having some kind of inner pain. In my opinion, you were aiming for a sort of self-doubt or world-doubt but it translated into condescension for those who have real suffering.

'the scattered remains of destruction'- this is a prime example of what is wrong with most of the poem. In this statement, the language is all wrong, almost redundant. You should check your thesaurus for a better word than destruction or replace the words 'scattered remains'. Perhaps shorten it to 'the remanants of destruction.' Even then, you're trying to convey that the result of destruction made others- which doesn't exactly make sense. While poetry often comes across as abstract, this sentence seems more contrived. You have to know the rules to break them, and this seems like an amateur mistake. Something like a 'convergence of chaos' or 'two minds set on darkness' or something. (Hey, I don't claim those were good. I was just trying to think up something not nearly as BAD). Many of the lines are like this, without any sort of real connection to the reader. I know it's freestyle, but there's a difference between freestyle and god-awful teen fake angst.

Maybe it is because the style of writing is shoddy. When the writer's style seems to question the writer's own abilities, all the flowery language in the world can't hide it. It just seems fake. The only unsurety or angst I see comes off more as 'hi, I'm an obnoxious high school student who is trying to convince the rest of the world that I have actual problems'. Don't take this the wrong way, but you need to work on your confidence when you set down the lines. Right now the theme is all over the place, and its hard to concentrate on the emotions you are trying to get across. Never doubt yourself. Your first instinct is usually correct. If you go back and tinker too much on your original creation you end up with this- a mish mash of words that end up meaningless.

Yay for tough reviews? I like the message you're trying to get across, I just don't think you do a terribly good job at getting it there. Take some writing classes or read other poets. You'll improve in no time. Your style exists, it just needs a lot of work.

Very interesting! It's so true that so much fictionpress poetry comes out of angst, and angst is indeed popular...because lots of people can identify with it. It sounds like you can deal better with your emotions than other people can, that you're a naturally happy person. Never regret that or think that it's abnormal! It's so much better than being naturally sad. I think you should read some 'real' poetry, not fictionpress poetry,and rethink this--the true variety of things out of which beauty comes is eye-opening.