That was super creepy. The guy out in the rain... what a creeper.

But I thought it was well-written and, even though it can function as a stand-alone, I would have liked to have seen more about these people who cannot be seen. It seems a very interesting topic to write about.

If I may ask, what does the new direction entail? Still keeping to the 'invisible' people, I hope?

Anyway, good work. It was creepy and definitely left me with a heavy feeling in the pit of my stomach. Horrific but at the same time oddly intimate. Most definitely an awesome one-shot.

Felicia.

Beautiful story, I love your descriptions... the premise, and everything about it, really!

I really loved the way your story was described. It has a very Joe Hill feel to it (he's a real master of the horror story genre) with a really catching summary.
A really good story written in an obscure way that keeps us guessing. Awesome, and congrats!

It starts fairly intensely and continues into ohmigoddess territory.

The vivid portrait of the girl writing in her own blood on the wall is going to stick with me for at least the rest of the day.

Well done.

That was so freakin' awesome. The description of Mr. White or whoever he was, it was so good. "his skin wasn't just a sickly yellow, but it oozed pus". That was gross, but freakin' awesome. Good job. VelvetyCheerio.

I really liked this, it was very creepy. The writing itself was good, too! I especially like how you described things, like his skin, and her empty eye sockets. Excellent use of words!
yay for scary stories!!

Your summary really caught my eye. A blind girl seeing things is a definite way to catch someone's attention.

There are some formatting problems in this, that probably came from the transition from whatever word program you used to fictionpress. I would just go through in document editor and make sure the paragraphs start and end where they're supposed to. For instance, the second paragraph gets cut off mid-sentence.

You do a good job of describing the man in more and more detail as Sophia sees more of him. The part where Sophia realizes his skin is oozing is particularly graphic and vivid.

I didn't quite get the ending. It was thoroughly creepy, but it left a lot to be desired in terms of what the significance of any of this was. I'm curious to see where you intended to go with this, had you continued.

Good job. I look forward to reading more of your writing.

For some really strange reason, as I read this I thought that the old man no one can see was death, and that passage from the Bible's book of Revelation came to mind -- "And behold a pale horse: and his name that sat on him was Death, and Hell followed with him." Hell definitely follows this man around, at least in the figurative, suffering sense. You did a great job with the details and sensory images in this piece, so much so that I had to skim bits of it so I wouldn't have to go throw up or something. I'm not generally a fan of horror-gore-slasher fiction or movies, but I think you did a pretty good job with this piece. Best of luck with your YA book!

the way you described everything, her screaming, the man, everything, it was simply amazing :]
haha.
the only thing i could find wrong was a few grammical errors. and the beginning... could've been better to set up the story // good work

This is a cool story - really very horrific, and quite scary. Not sure if it is suitable for kids, but hey!

I LOVE the descriptions - of the man, of the orphanage. There isn't a huge wealth of description, but what there is works perfectly. The man is very ably drawn, and we are drawn into the vision poor Sophie has.

One of the coolest things about this story is the fact that it never says who Mr. White is, or why the man is there. There's no explanation - and, really, how often do we get explanations about horror?

This story could be improved, I think, by choosing to explore more of what it's like for Sophie to be blind, and her experience of "seeing" for the first time. What does she normally sense etc.?

But this is great!

First of all, I like the way you described things. They were very vivid and made it seem all the more real, especially with your metaphors and similes.

The beginning of the story felt rather flat/uninteresting to me, however. It kind of felt like a huge cliche, with poor blind girl who couldn't see and this weird man that she does finally see. And then she dies.

But it was pretty good, even though I probably wouldn't read on.

- Octavia, from the Review Game

Whoa. This was totally creeping me out. But it was simply...oh my gosh, simply amazing. Even as an older story, I found it to be very good! You have done a great job!