I clicked on this story because the summary sounded okay. And can I just say how incredibly talented you are? Pretty much all of the novels on here are just too...immature, I guess. But this is a great novel and I really got upset when I reached the end of the last chapter you've published. I think you're a great writer and should continue. I really liked it :]

i lyke this story very much...i jus wish that u woould finish it

First, I will start out by saying that the story initially poses an interesting plot, but the start is only so strong to real one in. I think that you could improve upon this easily by fixing a few redundancies and avoiding tired language with common phrases and speech. I will point out a few particular areas of poor flow in the prose, though.

In chapter one:

“curves and waves just like her seductive body which curved simultaneously with it”

The repetition of the word “curve” here sounds very clumsy, although I assume that you used it twice on purpose, it does not give the effect that is usual desired out of such use. I would swap one of the uses for another word, or simply rephrase it entirely.


“In her black lingerie, Ellen painted on her eyeliner in front of the mirror. Also in front of the window with the almost shut curtains.”

Here, you use a dependent clause as an entire sentence (the second sentence), and the cut off from the previous description sounds too awkward and does little to give evocative mental imagery. I would take this bit and rewrite it completely.


“she turned, and He fell back further into the shadows to ensure He would not be discovered, but she did not turn to look out of her window.”

The introduction you give to her predator is very weak, and almost seems cliché. It is too abrupt to jump in to referring to “He” and “Him”, and especially awkward with the capitalization. If you prefer to use this format, I would at the least introduce the character in some other minor way to give a transition in to calling him “He”, etc..

“window of the restaurant.”

“Restaurant” here becomes very stale after the previous usage of word in just the sentence before. I would swap it out for another word such as “building”, or come up with a separate way to relay the action.

In chapter two:

“music, (courtesy, no doubt, of her teenaged niece,)”

Here, the commas are out of place. The parentheses should be before the comma that comes after music “music (etc),”, and none should go inside.

“sitting on the couch at Tina’s side, careful not to sit on her”

Again, here, your repetition of the word sit doesn't read fluidly. I would be a bit more inventive and try a few different words or compositions to express the thought.

“but she only nodded sadly,”

The comma here should be a period.

The story is good, but a bit rough around the edges. I think your prose could use some work, but it is an interesting concept overall. Good job.

Pretty good. :)

It may be just me, but the description in the first chapter of Ellen seemed sort of superfluous, otherwise your story was pretty engaging. I can see that you put a lot of time and hard work your story; your skill in detailing is quite exquisite. The stalker guy is way suspicious in more ways then one though I wish you’d give the readers more information about him and his ‘obsession’. Perhaps a back-story/flashbacks to deepen the plot?; Mild suggestions, to say in the least. Overall, I enjoyed your story and I would be delighted to continue reading.

I liked the detail you put into this, because I think it shows how much the stalker pays attention and how long he's been paying attention. The only thing I really saw wrong with this is that in one paragraph, you switched to present tense, but the rest was in past tense.