Its very good but hard to read as alot of words are missing or some words are the wronge once so it takes longer to read

when i read it, it kind of makes me feel like a little kid, the way your story is written. You make a lot of short statements. It's like saying, "Polly has a dog. It's name is Spike."

suspenseful...

interesting.

i'm gonna have to use some of these next time i play truth or dare :)

You need to proof read. Unless a girl can really be stlyed into a pony tail.I am really wondering how an ear lob can pierse a lip, but then again I guess maybe you meant to post this under a different heading. Scifi, or maybe fantasy.

Your story has good bones, but you have allowed them to crack.