I'd love to see this with more structure. In particular, more carefully plotted line breaks and stanzas too (split into four line stanzas?).

The line breaks that jar the most for me are L3/4, L5/6 and L15/16. The first two could be rectified by moving the "though he" and "when" down a line as they feel out of place at the end of their respective lines. I'm not sure about the final couplet though. Both lines feel too abrupt especially after such a flowing and vivid poem. I'd look at revising the ending altogether actually.

That said, I love "latticed eyes" and "soy sauce fish and park bench sighs". Brilliant images that really make this poem interesting and unique.

I like this poem here because there is a story and you create these characters that are so clearly outlined. I know that sounds simple but it's rare on this site.

Midnight