Your story is interesting and fun, but your improper use of commas can be distracting at times.

I used to have a FictionPress account, but I really don't remember what my password is.

So I read the first chapter of the story, and my main problem with it is how heavy-handed the story is. Very quickly we are made aware that Carol has home problems. Mentioning them briefly would have sufficed, as the scenery - pills, darkness, a snake - pretty much conveys that Carol is in squalor. However, the reader is beaten senseless with the details of Carol's dilemma. It would have been much more prudent to withhold most of these details for later chapters, or to have not mentioned them at all. For instance, knowing Carol's mother is dead is enough. We don't need to know how she died, just that she is. This is an instance where "less is more" would have been a good way to go.

Also, there are quite a few instances of adjective abuse. The most obvious is "it was slightly scaring the fourteen year old deeply". Slightly and deeply are almost polar opposites, and having the two of them in the sentence together creates a conflicting image. There are a few other places where this occurs, but that was the most glaring.

On the plus side, your description of events occuring is near flawless. The end of the chapter, where action is occuring, is markedly better than the rather static explanation of Carol's life. As soon as things start happening, you seem to get much more at ease with the story and the characters. Maybe shying away from so much static backstory will help you in the future. My suggestion would be to keep backstory to a minimum while writing.

Very hooking, I like the snake. Plus there's this whole mystery thing going on with Kate, which I really want to read more about! Just a few things:
-pick a tense and stick it. Switching between past and present tense is the best way to give me (and other readers) a headache, as well as undermining your authority as an author.
-cut the confusion. A little bit of audience confusion in a prologue is good. It works as a hook, and makes them want to read some more. But the way that you phrase things sometimes makes it a little more confusing than it needs to be. So clean up your phrasing so that you can keep the confusion within the actual story, not with the mechanics or wording.

But over all, I like. Keep it going!

The Review Game
Review: Graceful Butterflies, Ch. 1

This chapter was overall pretty good. It was intriguing and well written, and I do not have many bad things to say about it. The writing itself is above par-- the descriptions are good, and gramatically everything is decent.

My only complaint is the lack of reality in your main character. She appears to be something of a Mary-Sue: wrought with tragedy, beautiful, injured, insulted. The object of both extreme hate and extreme affection, but with no middle ground. She is either undeniably pretty or unfathomably ugly, as you portray her, but it would be more realistic if she was just commonly pretty, or if the fact that she is "gorgeous" (or, conversely, hideous) wasn't so advertised.

Additionally, you could supplement the rationale of her fear of snakes beyond this:

"She hated snakes because they reminded her of all the people who had insulted, abused, deceived and bullied her clearly. The snake was a symbol of hell for her and she wanted to forget all the bullies and evil people in the world."

That doesn't really describe why she hates snakes, just that they happen to represent bad things in her life. Why snakes? Why not...donkeys, or lizards for that matter? If you introduce this later, then feel free to ignore that comment. But if not, perhaps you should consider adding it to this first chapter-- particularly if you do not mention her fear of snakes again until, perhaps, much later.

For the most part, though, the story was very good =) I look forward to reading more of it when I've got more time to see how it progresses.