FictionPress.com - let the words flow
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| SacrificialLamb 2008-10-28 ch 1,   | "It pierces my heart with needles of ice And coats my words in frost"~ absolutely gorgeous, definitely my favorite part of the poem. I’m excited to read more of your writing |
| Leafeus 2008-09-02 ch 1, | I like this quite a bit. Love can be cold, yet brilliant. I have a few suggestions, but note that they are only suggestions and mostly for the sake of rhythm. Please do not be offended, I tend to tear everything apart when I read it out of habit and based on how I treat my own pieces. What the following is is simply a few lines re-written with some words changed. S= stanza and L= line. Here you go. S1 L2: And coats my words IN FROST S1 L5: As I look UPON your face S2 L3 IT MAKES ME ache all over S3 L5: Wondering if YOUR ice will still support me S4 L1: The cold is freezing WITHIN my mind S4 L3: When the dragonflies WOULD flit Again, please understand that I make these suggestions not thinking myself better in any way. I am merely speaking my mind... well, typing it, at least. I hope these help either here or in future works. Don't worry, I am going to review more pieces as soon as I can. Keep writing. Leafeus Agamemnon Scott Broderus |