I like the last line because the feeling of hopelessness leaves a strong, lasting impression on the reader.

I didn't like the second through fourth lines of the second stanza. I don't even know if this was intentional, but they were the only lines that rhymed in the poem, and the inconsistancy was distracting.

Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)

konban wa

Wow, I wish you'd continue with this, go deeper and into more detail. When this ended, I craved more.

The only part that bothered me was the fact that you started most parts with "and." It seemed useless and I didn't like it so much. It would be more powerful, I think, without that.

Ha det

-Shan-