|Reviews for But A Hatchling|
| Daggerstone 9/24/08 . chapter 1
Second and third line have me confused - what is it the hatchling sees for the first time?
Second stanza (angry mother) needs some tweaking - it's too obvious, unlike other lines (don't use "angry" - describe what it is that makes her so).
A full stop after "malignant shove".
Otherwise... "The expectations are high." to the last line: perfect. Shortaction, and I can definitely picture the scene.
And mothers are all like that, kiddo. It's in the job requirements: "Ability to teach the offspring to fly, at all costs. Failure to comply might result in loss of the same to the big bad hawk, the gaping chasm to adulthood, or other birds of feather using it as a stepping stone to their own ambition".
That's life for you: you either learn to fly, or not to feel the bones breaking.
D The Roadhouse
| simpleplan13 9/14/08 . chapter 1
"Down, falls the hatchling/Struggling, trying, flapping."... I think you should put a comma between those two lines.
I like how this could really be about a hatchling or be a metaphor for humans, double meanings in poems are always great. You have some random rhymes/approximate rhymes and I kinda like it. It doesnt seem like you messed up a rhyme scheme and it adds a little something to the piece.
PS If you're bored this weekend check out the Review Game's Review Marathon (link in my profile)
| DiaRose 9/13/08 . chapter 1
I think this is really lovely. I still think it could use a bit more imagery, but it's still just lovely. I love the meaning and symbolism here, it's really very good.