Congratulations on RM November!

The contrast between the precise guy and the carefree girl was great. In one paragraph for each of them, you've clearly established the kind of people they are.

"Before the mirror, steadfast bristles skim his teeth"

- Creative way to put that, though I'm not sure why the monotonous person gets the creative line. "Steadfast" suits him, but "skim" not so much. (Plus you used "skimming" when describing the girl, which wasn't really repetitive, but it was twice in two paragraphs.)

I like this idea, and it's good already, but there's some more potential if you feel it necessary to revise.

heya, this is sakura, giving you her RM reviews (she had to get an extention due to computer trouble)
I quite liked this story. I think oneshots are great, escpecially when they are only this long. the ending was so sad... I really felt bad for the guy. I loved how you made it short enough that it left a lot up to the imagination.
what I didn't like was how the entire thing was focussed on the guy. The girl basically got a paragraph, and the rest was about the guy. if you maybe alternated, a paragraph for one and then one for the other, etc.? I think that that would make it a stronger contrast between the two.
great story, though. *coffcoff*Ineedshapter2backsoon*coffcoff* :D

Hola, winner of the October Review Marathon! I have come for you! To give you your prize! =D

I like that in the first paragraph point of view, you add the time. It is an even better way to illustrate just how precise he is. I wasn't too keen on the brushing teeth way of expressing it. It'd make more of an impact if you put the brushing teeth part plainly, and let the thing after the comma be the more complicated part, not the whole sentence of it.

I really liked the 2nd paragraph person. The story just came alive there. First sentence is wonderful and I liked the contrast. It is really noticeable through the writing voice too that she is the "life" in this story. Well done. "She doesn’t walk to class; she glides" I liked this line too. The parallels were wonderfully juxtaposed here.

3rd paragraph didn't do much for more. A transition scene that is necessary, yes, but I wasn't as impressed as previously

Adored the imagery of having his face pressed against the window and then his breath blurring his vision. Well done! I thought it was a really poignant moment.

"But he will never live it."
Perfect way to end it. I like the bitterness.

Overall this piece surprised me. I thought it was going to be a happy love story between the two once it came to her part, but it didn't! I am glad I got the chance to be surprised ^.^

Keep up the good work!

- Frac

WINNER!
As the winner of the Sept. RM you get (drumroll) 1 review! How's that for spreadin' the review love :D

Anyways; I like the contrast you showed between the two characters. The difference between them was clear. I do feel there are ways to make it more effective. For example the second paragraph defines the girl relative to the boy: "She is awoken not by an alarm, but by the world around her." and "She doesn’t walk to class; she glides..." I think it would be interesting to just let the contrast in the words speak for themselves.

I also like the music imagery. I could see AND hear the difference between the two charcters: he was like a metronome or like the steady rythm of a base drum while she was more like a pianists hands flying on the keys. My only suggestion is to vary your word choice.

hope that helps! All hail Reggy!
Bubbles :P

What an awesome premise, and what an artful way of presenting it. In this huge website of Fictionpress, I haven't come across pieces as well-written as this. I know I need to offer up some advice, so...really the only thing I can think of is the sentence "his views become increasingly blurred". The word increasingly may be a little too technical for what you are trying to describe. All in all, wonderful job, and don't stop writing. You've got talent beyond your years.

i think it has a great potential. the story behind it is good and interesting. and writing style is good.

but to get the full effect of it, i think you should elaborate some more with 1) his patterns and rhythmicness and 2) her carefree stlye

I love the figurative language you used! It was written wonderfully though I was a little confused at parts. It was also really short so I had to read it twice to really get what you were saying.

At first I got confused by the change of him to her in the first to second paragraph.Maybe you should italized the second paragraph to show a more clear meaning.

I love your adjectives.It's wonderful how you used them in your story.It creates a more vivid image of this scene.

I absolutely love this, especially the way you contrasted the guy and the girl in the beginning. It was a very nice setup: the monotony of his life versus the vibrancy of hers. And your descriptions in this were absolutely marvelous as well: I actually really liked the line when he was brushing his teeth, haha

Am I right in assuming that this piece is pretty much one giant metaphor? Or at least, the guy's chains are metaphoric. That's the vibe I get, at least, and I think you execute it very very well.

I really liked the image of the guy pressing his face at the window; very nice.

Also, I liked how I feel like I can tell a lot about your characters even though this is only a few paragraphs long. For example, you can tell the guy is sort of monotonous while the girl is carefree and spirited.

Review Marathon review for ya!

"desperate to be rid of him" should be "desperate to be rid of them". In the last two paragraphs, you start three sentences with "but". This is repetitive and slightly annoying; ditto the word "chains". Try replacing it with "shackles" for one of the occurences? I'd also reccommend that instead of "the chains of precision drag him", you word it "precision's chains drag him", or even just "precision drags him", to make it more concise.

Apart from that I have no editorial comments. I really liked the man's character! Very doomed. I like the lyrical quality of the language and the contrast between the two personalities; that the characters are established in such a small amount of words is what makes this is a good short story. Well done.

You've instantly attracted the attention of the reader with your own attention to detail, "precisely 5.30am". However, I had to take a step back and have another look at the second sentence in order to comprehend it. Good use of language, but it is a little opaque - I couldn't quite understand what you were talking about, and then I realised: he was brushing his teeth. It seems like the first line was very realistic prose and then the second sentence is suddenly clouded with all of this unnecessary metaphor.

This is an interesting piece, overall. I'm intrigued by the subject; I think it's the sort of piece you can come back to read time and time again and will get something different out of it each time. Good job.

Hello, RM winner! Here's your prize review!

I love the imagery, because there's a lot of it and it's beautifully done. I also like the prose in general, because it flows really well and makes this whole thing even prettier, even though I get the sense that this is supposed to be sad. I also thought "chains of precision" was a nice touch - the image of the chains told us that he felt trapped.

I liked the descriptions you used. They helped to form a nice visual. But, there were parts where I felt that pieces were missing. it could use a little bit more work. I'd really like to see it improve. Keep up the good stuff.

~P7