so, i like the idea of the story, but unfortunately can't stay tuned to 3rd person narrative

I am really looking forward to reading this story :) i have just printed it off cause it is easier to read that way, i will let you know what i think when i m done ^^

hi i saw your post on the livejournal fp comm.

"High in the palace of Kingsmart a young girl by the name of Karavere si Piren sat by a large window, a book discarded in her lap, looking out over the city

High in the palace of Kingsmart a young girl by the name of Karavere si Piren sat by a large window, a book discarded in her lap, gazing out over the city."

you've basically repeated it twice so i don't know what's going on here.

grammar mistake - i believe it's "mistress's" not plural "mistresses" cloak. im not very good at grammar myself but something for you to check.

Also, the "delicate political fabric of the nation" is very vague. I'm not saying you need to go into detail then and there but perhaps you could elaborate later. otherwise, the statement seems flimsy - not sure if that's the desired effect (ie, to make the King's reasons seem excuse-like). of course, i haven't read the next chapters yet so if you've talked more about the political situation (which could be potentially very interesting) then soz. in advance.

also, your description of the male slave - you use "boy" but from what you've said "He was tall, strong. His eyes smouldered with a fierce pride, seemingly undiminished despite his captivity.", i think young man suits him more. tbh, i had no idea who you were referencing when you used "boy" for the first time.

also, i assume that lyea, her servant is present but you haven't mentioned her really in the second part of the chapter. would it be better to just reinforce her presence? do i just assume that karavere has told her to get lost whilst she hops over to the line of slaves?

overall, i thought the atmosphere of the slave market was done very well - the detail is good and not overdone and the chapter is interesting enough.

Hey, I am no expert at slave trading, I don't own slaves or trade them, but I did read something. Slaves are randomly traded and it's quite hard for family a brother or sister to be in one household unless both were born there. Since the gentleman is seventeen I would think he was old enough to work and constantly on the move. Going from house/plantation to house/plantation.

A good book to read for research might be any of frederic douglas's naratives.

Um... should Kara really pick up the prince? I mean, he must be heavy, a 16-year-old male, and she's a 16-year-old-girl... *shrug* She may be really strong, or he was really thin, but it still surprised me that she would do that. maybe is a guard or something carried him and Kara just kept clutching his hand or something... but hey it's your story, your choices. ^_^' Everything else was really great. *two thumbs up*

oh! A plot chapter! Me likey. Your characters have a rich and unique way of speaking, which gives your world a lot of beliveaility and depth. However, there seemed to be a lot of simple grammar mistakes, or a places where you left out a word. Just read through it again and see if you can fix them... if you want. ^^" And I'm still a litle confused on what Karavere's ture personality is... but still! Overall, this is a fantastic tale, and I can't wait for more! (even though u just posted this chapter. >

Karavere is perplexing. I can't decide if she's tough, sweet, arrogant, or meek. She seems to have a different personality in every chapter. Other than that, I think this story is really interesting and I would love to see where it goes.

Hael mentioned!! (happy dance)
Great worldbuilding, nice politics. You don't have wonderful flow, but the overall consistent, beautifully imagned worldbuilding is starting o sweep over this. Oe criticism: Karavere is a bit too nice and good... slightly Sueish. Being sympathetic to slaves in a world of slavery doesn't exactly fit with the pattern, and I would think being king's daughter would make those rules even more important to follow. If (when) her father catches her, there will have to be VERY severe penalties-not death, but prison? Torture? Slavery herself?

Amusing to say the least. I am curious as to what sort of adventures this will lead too, and look forward to another chapter.

cool! it sounds interesting.
I want more~
Narq.