love this

I like your ending a lot. It wraps up your idea nicely while still bringing something new to it. The single rhyme there was used well, too.

I didn't like your punctuation, though. It was quite sporadic. The comma within lines is fine to seperate ideas, but if you're not going to punctuate this fully, I wouldn't suggest adding the commas at the ends of lines. Basically, it looks neater if you go all the way or not at all.

~Sparkles from the Review Marathon (link in profile)