There are quite a few typos. The start seems nice. "Bye mom, ..." and "Don't be late, you have already missed too ..."

One of the main problems i have in life is that i have some KICK ASS ideas... not to brag, because i can never get them right. like with this, i know what happens in the over all story but i just can get it to paper.

if i was a better artist i would just make a webcomic. but i suck at drawing. badly.

There, they're, and their. You NEED to get this down. I don't care who you have to consult in order to get it. Be it your Parents, your Friends, or even your English teacher. (In actuality, English teachers can be very helpful if you ever have trouble writing a story.) It bears repeating, you NEED to get this down. It won't take much work, but it will do wonders for how people view your writing.

Seems to be a bug in the upload, for punctuation marks, just to alert you to that. o.O, I don't have a clue why that happened.

I do like how your story is progressing. It's a nice pace. Think about it. At 400 words a week, that's 20,800 words a year. Not bad at all. But, actually, you might consider updating more often. The beauty of writing is that it is MUCH easier to do than drawing a webcomic. >.

Interesting. Your converstation in the previous chapter is a bit forced and rushed...the emotion comes across a bit stilted...but overall this story is rather interesting.

~Dragon

Good job with the ending line. Your grammar seems to be improving as well, even though there are still a few errors here and there.

In addition, be careful with Rapid Quotationing. Even though I really love seeing that, as it keeps a story flowing fast, if you use it at the wrong time it can be disastrous. If you feel that the story should move slower, use more descriptions. Because, bear in mind, a story will never move faster than if you use Quotations one after the other. And sometimes you need your reader to slow down and pay more attention for certain parts. But you've done fine with it so far, all of the parts you've used for it in this chapter are okay.

I like what you have going here. It's an interesting idea, one problem I have though is your grammar. For example, when you say, '"By mom off to school" Zack exclaimed as he rushed out the front door." there needs to be a comma between mom and off, and not to mention the exclamation point. One other problem I have is the dialogue that takes place after that. If he had rushed out the door, he wouldn't have heard anything his mother said afterward.

My favorite sentence in this story has to be when you say, "...she stated while waiting for the archaic machine to dispense her coffee..." It has a lot of imagery there. You've done well overall with you imagery, you just need to proofread! :)

Look forward to reading more from you.

-Esther