I honestly thought it was great. You make it really easy for us to imagine what you are seeing, and make great use of descriptive language. The verb tenses are a little shaky, but it was fine.
As far as the story line being messed up, I'm not sure what you mean. I think it flowed nicely, but I think it would be great if it was a bit longer..then I think it would better be able to pass as a short story on its own, spanning just the end of somebody's life, and not going too much into detail about anything else but those last hours.
All in all- :D

I liked it. It made me sad. I sighed. You asked me why I sighed. I told you because I did.

I oven you.

Finally reviewing this. xD

Um... Yeah, it was cool. I liked how the ending went to the dude's POV instead of Damien's. I guess that would happen since Damien's - you know - dead. xD

Cool.