Reviews for No Father of Mine

Reviews For: No Father of Mine

Fiona N. Costly 2008-11-26 ch 1,	OMG! I love this story so far. In a way it kinda reminds me of Pan's labrynth. IN a Way... the tyrant father. No grammatical issues that I saw. I like the fact that you do so much with your sister. Does she have a fictionpress account I'd like to read her things to. I like the Idea of the Nanowrimo its cool and also the prompt that your doing with your sister way to get her involved. can't wait for the next chapter. Fiona N. Costly
UmmIbrahim 2008-11-25 ch 2,	Very strong storyline...your writing is very good, made me cringe that Nathan would actually kill the boy...i dint feel sorry for him anymore, ...
SuzannaR 2008-10-24 ch 1,	Powerful start to your story...quite compelling. I like how you paint a picture of the father and the circumstances that Nathan lives in. "Life is in chaos and Fate is having her fun watching mankind descend into darkness"...very good line...sets the scene for the descriptions that follow. I find that some of your sentences are quite long. Eg " I had learned not to question my father early on in life after sitting in on a strategy meeting and watching the CMP Commander be killed on the spot, courtesy a slit throat, after he had suggested to send his soldiers on a different route to attack the neighboring region’s capitol to ensure that the troops would arrive undetected". Perhaps this could have been broken up into a few sentences. Anyway good job! s
Written 2008-10-20 ch 1,	the first thing I notice is that you have a mature style, and there are very few, if any mistakes in grammar or spelling, which is a credit to both yourself and your beta reader. [The world is a terrible, terrible place. Split into regions, dominated by deplorable leaders.] interesting concept with the setting. I think the large amount of exposition at the start, while well written, could be cut down for punchier sentences. some of it is redundant, repeating "terrible" makes the word lose it's power. You TELL me about the fear that they are in well enough, don't get me wrong, but you don't make me FEEL it, really. In a dystopian setting, the more palpable the fear, the better. I feel like instead of all the bg info, it would have been more... useful to have a beginning scene showing the father in action, dealing with some hapless folk who got in his way. that way, you could really SHOW us what was going on, and we wouldn't have to just take your word for it. I know you show a scene with him soon after explaining, but I think it would be more powerful to start the other way around. and speaking from experience, if you want to hook your revders, you have to hook them in the first paragraph. your readers will be able to assume the bg info, even if you don't spoon feed it to us at the start. I'm just being super duper picky though, don't worry. I still LIKE it, I just enjoy nit picking :) I like the way you show the relationship between him and his brother. your main ch. seems very much the weaker, younger brother. a note on your dialog tags: ["spat, disgusted"] the "disgusted" isn't needed, since he isn't spitting his words with sunshine cheer. it's redundant. ["exclaimed loudly"] again, could have just gone with "exclaimed". overdescribing reduces the value of your words and makes everything sound a bit more trite... no idea why, but thats just my opinion. Uh oh... what if his older brother dies or something? wouldnt that suck for their dad? haha... random thought... ignore. I also think it would be interesting if you showed the father as being two faced, like, honey tongued until he lashed out or something? I'm just thinking of random things now.. lol. okay, I'll read more later... my keyboard is being a witch, so I have to keep copy and pasting the letter "a", which makes this way too time consuming! don't kill me for my long rambling... haha. I think this is a promising start!
Carmel March 2008-10-07 ch 2,	Oh, what a wonderful chapter. The end was especially good :) I absolutely can't wait for the next chapter, so update soon! ~Carm~
Carmel March 2008-10-02 ch 1,	This is a piece of pure genius. You've got some serious talent :) ~Carm~

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