|Reviews for Resonance of Ages: A Horror Novel|
| FictionistaKarla 2/28/10 . chapter 1
Interesting... Wonder what will happen!
| Michael Panush 10/7/09 . chapter 22
I did enjoy this story, and I really like the world you've created. I think any spin-off series, whether continuing the adventures of the four students here, dealing with some top secret military group, or that Zeitgeist series that would explore more of the town, would be great. The Niches that were presented were all very cool, especially the World War One bit, and I would have loved to see more of them. Unfortunately, there were also a few problems that prevented me from fully enjoying the ending of this story. Besides some of the things I've already mentioned, such as the need for more description and the kind of flat characters, the ending did seem a bit contrived, with the way the villains kind of talked about how evil they were, and then fought one-on-one battles with the heroes. It seemed silly and like something that would happen in the final level of a video game, but not a story. The villains themselves were also revealed rather suddenly. I would rather have had more run-ins with them earlier in the story to flesh them out, so you can see their nasty attitudes through what they did, not what they say in their first talking appearance before they're killed. The battle with the Giant was also a little anti-climactic. They never really were on the brink of defeat, and didn't seem too troubled by it. I would rather have had a more brutal battle where their victory wasn't so assured. Besides those issues, I think this has some great ideas in it, and I look forward to whatever other stuff you want to do in this setting, which hopefully won't have the same problems.
| DeepSeaDragon 10/5/09 . chapter 22
Well, that was a fun ride. Admittedly the Giant's followers went down pretty easily; only Mitch came off as a legitimate threat thanks to his fencing, but even then he was pretty overmatched. I do understand that this was rather the point, since they were overconfident morons, after all. Poor Justine; I know so many girls like her.
The Giant itself made for a fair "last boss." The last couple of lines before its defeat were a little awkward, however: "Instead, it just slowly vanished back into the hole in the floor where it first came from. The Giant soon completely disappeared back into the floor. Soon, it had vanished completely." Might want to give that one another look, and I spotted a few other awkward bits throughout the last few chapters.
Interesting battles, though. Anne's Baseball Grenade is a charming weapon, and it was nice to see how her abilities developed over the course of the story. I also really enjoyed how the group worked as a team; group battle dynamics are something a lot of writers aren't very good with (myself influded, hence all the one-on-one fighting in my own story).
I gotta say, the Servitor and that harvester/war horse creature were pretty neat. Got shades of Silent Hill during the Servitor fight, what with the bleeding wall and weird organic hole.
| DeepSeaDragon 9/29/09 . chapter 8
Ah, now things are getting interesting! It took a while for Anne to win me over as a heroine, but she's starting to get there. The weird interdimensional bugs and their habit of forming faces on walls are pretty creepy. I do think it's a bit short on description, though. Also, in chapter 7, Julie says something about "What odd things?" I don't recall anybody mentioning any "odd things" in the conversation until that point, so that line was a little strange.
| Michael Panush 9/25/09 . chapter 18
Well, I guess I'm pretty far into this story, and it's pretty interesting so far, though still plagued by the same problems. Maybe I can forgive them in some other stories, but here, where are some many great oppurtunities for some wonderful descriptions, it really feels like a shame that everything is described so bluntly.
The freaky pschyo-scapes and monsters are really cool, and so are the powers used by the characters, but they just need a lot more description. Just saying 'and then his arm changed in a machine gun' made me laugh out loud, and took away what could have been a really cool moment. The characters themselves also seem a little flat, and I'm still mixing up Anne and Julie. And why doesn't Ryan seem that concerned that his sister is being held prisoner by the Giant? Besides cursing once, he really hasn't epxressed that much of an emotion. He might be bottling up, but the story doesn't really say that.
I hope you can overcome the stylistic problems in the future, because this is really a great idea, and some good writing could make it into a masterpiece.
| Michael Panush 9/23/09 . chapter 7
This seems like an interesting series, and I like the idea behind it. However, it does seem to suffer from a few problems that also effect your other stories. The characters all seem a little similar, and I can't really tell the two girls apart. Descriptions, of characters, and of the wierd things they see, also seem a bit lacking. Still, it's pretty intriguing so far, and I'll definetly keep reading. It does sound a lot like the Persona games too, from what I've read of those. I look forward to reading the next chapters.
| jevn 5/2/09 . chapter 6
Once again, I'm getting the sense that this is moving more slowly than it needs to. Why, for example, didn't the four just have the conversation right then?
I'm curious to find out what's going on. Its the plot, rather than the characters, that's keeping me reading. I find the new information interesting.
Will is the most interesting character, to me, at least so far.
| jevn 5/2/09 . chapter 3
I'm reading because I assume this picks up. The writings good, the two main characters are different, (although its slightly overdone, in my opinion,) and the atmisphere of a college campus is dead on.
I see pieces coming into play, but the pace is lagging. The conversation before the dining hall, for example, struck me as extranious.
Its hard to judge at this point, because I can't be sure what exists to introduce necisary plot elements and characters, and what doesn't need to be there at all. I'll review again when I'm done.
| dreamshell 12/13/08 . chapter 12
“She could see the look of boredom on the [ladies]…”
“Hey,” Anne asked. “Have you seen Jules?” ‘Asked’ doesn’t work as it is. If you stick the actual question before that, then you’ve got it. ;) Maybe like;
*“Hey, have you seen Jules?” Anna asked.*
“While they had been a gate at some point in decades past…” “They” needs to be changed to what you’re specifically referring to, otherwise it seems like your implying Anne and Julie used to be a gate. o_O
In retrospect, this sentence…
“The sun was setting as Anne set out for the Old Gate.”
…should be taken out. Firstly, it’s inaccurate since she’s heading for Julie’s dorm, as well, when you later say the sun is setting AGAIN, it works against that.
“…Will and Ryan standing by. Ryan and Will…” No need to repeat their names so soon after introducing them in this chap, let alone the odd switch you put on them. Just use “they”.
“Anne nodded. “So we imagine a door's in front of us?” she asked.” The tag after the question isn’t necessary.
Maybe another example of Anne ‘seeing’ things other than just the two about ladies playing cards and her professor’s Blake fetish. Three examples seems like the universal minimum, you know?
Was that bit with Maria necessary? Are you setting her up to get into the story? If so, might want to put a little more detail on her as a character, if not, that bit sorta just acts as filler.
Yeah, I can see why this would have been fun for you to write. It’s a veritable smorgasbord of Jave Tropes. P
So Will is really Drizzt Do’Urden in disguise? XD
Pretty fun chapter, yeah.
| dreamshell 12/2/08 . chapter 11
“…as it if was in a painting.” Mangled this a little bit. Edit. ;)
“As they walked up the hill, they could see a massive stone wall in front of them. …A set of massive wooden doors loomed in front of them.” You end both these sentences with “in front of them”. Again, mix up your word choices a bit.
“Anne began to approach slowly… As Anne approached slowly…” Quit it. -_-
“She could [hear] Julie's heavy panting behind her.”
Maybe tone down the “?” stuff with Julie a little bit. Every reaction she seems to be having is one of over-the-top incredulity.
“We'd [lose] a member…”
“I use escrima sticks,” he pulled out a pair of rattan sticks.” Who’s “he”? It’s Ryan, I’m thinking, due to addressing Will in the next sentence, but be sure to clarify.
Heh. Nice Lovecraft nod. D
Hmm. You don’t make it very clear in both the last chapter and this one if Tyan went in with them. I was looking for him in the chap, but I’m thinking now he stayed behind.
How can the girls tell from looking at it that the pool is “brackish”? o
Boudica, nice. On my list of kickass historical women.
Good. Finally some confrontation between Anne and Will.
Story’s moving along well. Keep it up.
| dreamshell 12/2/08 . chapter 10
“They descended the stairs… as they descended the stairs…” Jave, for the love of God, stop repeating yourself. And don’t be repetitive, either. And quit saying the same thing over and over. And… *stops beating dead horse*
“Anne remarked… she (Julie) remarked…” Mix it up a bit, man. Get a thesaurus handy or something.
In regards to the paragraph describing the girls seeing Leone and the boys, you should start a new paragraph with the line “Dr. Leone turned to them…”, I think.
“Anne said nothing as she and Anne knelt down…” Pay attention to who you’re talking about. ;)
Instead of a second “Leone continued”, how about “Leone went on”?
“Anne suddenly imaged…” Imagined.
Please. STOP with the “continued”.
I think after a point, you don’t need to stress Anne is “imagining” these things anymore. The message is clear.
You call Anne “Annie” at one point in the narrative, which I would think would be more of a pet name used in dialogue.
“And that's how you can tune [them] in and out…”
“But I'd be better…” Is it supposed to be “it’d”? I’m not sure. o
“Julie said, kneeling back down and closing her eyes.” Maybe I missed it, but I don’t think there was any indication in the text that Julie had stood up.
Hmm, I don’t know if it’s necessary to put in the line where Anne directs Julie to the wrestling room. It’s kind of boring and you could write them entering it much quicker/easier.
Although it’s obvious what a black belt signifies, you might want to briefly summarize what blue and orange ones indicate to the unaware.
The sanctuary bit is actually going well. Pacing’s good, getting some good info out, no serious bumps in dialogue or action. Nice. ;)
Hmm. Do I see elements of ‘Jimmy the Exploder’ rubbing off on this story at all? o
Well, you definitely end the chapter with a good hook.
| dreamshell 11/18/08 . chapter 9
“Professor, we saw saw…” Lose one of them “saw”s, Javers. ;)
“Dr. Leone replied, as he began searching his cluttered desk for something.” Hmm. I think maybe you want to avoid doing too much of this sort of thing, Jave. I might be being a little nitpicky, but it could become noticeable and odd if you do it frequently. The one example of this before where you describe him sitting in his chair is less awkward, but that and this (and maybe others following) seem strange. Try breaking it up into two sentences, if you like; “Dr. Leone replied. He began searching…” etc.
“Dr. Leone replied.” Firstly, you used “replied” just the last time Leone talked. Second, this is probably a tag you can drop, since we can assume it’s him talking, since he’s been Mr. Exposition so far.
You also used “cringe(d)” too close together. At least, IMO. Also, “averting her eyes” from what? And while sticking out her tongue seems normal enough, I suspect it may be the start of you trying a little too hard to make up for a lack of descriptive actions. There’s a slightly unnatural quality to it, so I would suggest finding a balance.
“Discreetly”, not “discretely”.
Enough with the “replied”! XD
You’re overusing “explained” towards the end, similar to “replied” and “cringe”.
“Meeting… meeting…” Ugh. C’mon, Jave. Mind your repetition.
Hmm… I can’t really comment on this chapter, really. It was basically just another expo-scene. I like the direction things are going overall, though.
| dreamshell 11/12/08 . chapter 8
“I saw it in the hallway, I swore!” This sounds awkward. Perhaps “I swear!” at the end or “I swore I saw…”
You’ve made it clear twice that Julie is sobbing. Only need to point it out once. I actually think the second time is more effective.
I’d prefer to see a few less “said calmly”s, please. The word “calm” in general is overused in this chapter, I think.
“What happened then?” Anne asked. Tag to drop.
“Julie's breathing rate began to increase.” Dude, she’s not in a doctor’s office. Use less technical language.
“So you saw bugs in your sandwich?” Anne added. “Did you see anything else?” I can understand the reiteration, I guess, but drop the tag, I think. Or give Anne something else to do. She suffers from being a talking head often, it seems.
Enough about the “calm”! XD Also, enough patting.
“Her path was clear, and choices clear.” This seems pretty unnecessary as a sentence overall. I get what it’s trying to do, but it’s not really needed.
“…Anne patted her friend on the back.” This seems weird. I think rubbing her back or even giving her a hug would be work better. Girls do that sorta stuff. P
| dreamshell 11/12/08 . chapter 7
“They obviously got along well a lot for being four years apart.” This sentence is weird. I’d say take out “a lot”.
Nitpick: “When the class period was finally over…” I don’t think “finally” is needed.
Also; “When the class period was finally over, Anne picked up her things and headed for the social sciences building. It was almost time for the meeting.” I think that after this quoted bit you should probably start a new paragraph. Since you go into describing the social sciences building, you probably want to separate that the little bit emphasizing it’s almost time for Anne to meet up with the others.
“Will turned his head from Dr. Leone to glare at [her] for a moment.”
As far as what to refer to him by, “professor” or “doctor”, try and settle on just one. At least narratively. Point out the “Dr. Jacob Leone” on a placard is fine. Having the students call him “Professor” and in the narrative calling him “Dr./the Doctor” is fine, too. But to call him both in the narrative as well is a little much. Maybe just have the placard be the only reference to him as a doctor and favor “professor” for now?
“What odd things?” Julie interrupted. “Tell me!” No one referred to “odd things” specifically, so this sounds out of place. Maybe just “What? Tell me!” or “Seeing what? Tell me!”
“It was obvious he made no secret…” This part sounds strange. Try something more like “His disdain was no secret” or “He made no secret of his disdain” or “His disdain was obvious”.
“I started seeing weird things after a party one night.” I think “the other night” would fit better. “One night” makes it seem like it happened a while ago.
Julie “rolls her eyes” WAY too much.
Nice descriptions in this chapter. Good job at detailing the setting and minor things like what a person’s wearing.
Maybe make it a little bit clearer that time passes inbetween Anne arriving and preparing for class and the class starting. As it is, it almost seems like she arrives ten minutes early, but the class then starts anyway.
You’re doing so well with descriptions, maybe describe Dr. Leone a little? Beyond just “middle-aged”.
Wondering just when Anne is finally gonna put Will in his place in regards to all his vulgar comments about her.
I think I like this chapter the most so far. It feels like the scene of a pilot episode of a t.v. show where the premise is laid out for the audience.
| dreamshell 11/12/08 . chapter 6
“Anne heard someone behind her…” Don’t you mean “him”? You’re talking about someone behind Will, right? Ryan’s not behind her, I don’t believe. I thought she was still in Julie’s room? How’d she get in the corridor?
“But how did you know about last night?” Anne replied. “Replied” isn’t strong enough. Maybe “demanded” or “barked”?
Likewise, “Unless you're stalking me” is a bit awkward to say following her previous question. Maybe she could ask if they’re stalking her instead.
“Listen, Anne and Julie,” Ryan added. I don’t think he needs to call them by their names here.
“Peak” should be “peek”.
Wondering why there’s not a bigger reaction on Anne’s part to being called a “cum-guzzling liberal arts whore”. That’s pretty harsh. Even if it’s only purely physical thing like a shocked expression or a thought. Maintaining her cool after being referred as such is cool, but I’d think there’d be some kind of visceral response.
I do like Julie’s defense of her friend, though.