Geesh! this is sad! good, but sad!

Your writing is very descriptive, and I like the contradictions in this story. I was a bit confused (sorry but I'm tired, okay)so I ended up floundering in the first part, which seems more like a fantastic dream than anything that could happen. As if Peggy and Martin were quarreling while a war raged - or were they the war. Maybe it was just a fire, which they ignored. And the poor kid wandered too close. Then other times they seem like gods, their emotions affecting the state of the world, and the little girl, Erica, got too close.

And it's sad to find she's dead. And it's sadder to find out that she's still around, all alone, just Teddy and her, but she's a strong child, and practical or well taught if you go by her last line, which I like very much: "Please don't cry for me; I'm already dead."

And you've mentioned the flowers again :) Your stories are very distinct in the way they're written, and I like your first person narrative. Again: I liked this. Sorry if the review is not that constructive.

She’s a tiger in my mind, one of those giant animals that you see in the zoo, which the brave soldiers took home from India. (Really? I didn't know the army catches animals from the wild now. >_

Wow, this was genuinely beautiful. I love your use of imagery, especially when you honed in on all the animals, sounds, and smells that represented Africa to Erica. And the toll that all the chaos had (were they in a war zone?)on Erica's life and thereafter was heart-breaking. The story is a bit hard to follow at times, but this might be intentional, since the characters are going through such anarchy. Overall, really well done, and I'm looking forward to reading more from you. :D

-Ramen

This is beautiful. Keep it up!

Really good. The emotions were caught, hook, line, and sinker... 'If we can't live in hope, at least we can dream of it.' That line really stuck with me to the end. It's such a very realistic look at a bit of supernatural towards the end. I hope to read more from you.

Alex

this is going to be a bad review and I blame that on the fact that its 3 am. beautiful writing and just. wow. I wasnt expecting it to be this good. you did very well. wow.

I'm so sorry for not getting to this sooner, Dougers!

Honestly, this is one of my favorites of yours. I love how it's in the POV of the little sister.

As always, you have perfect descriptions. I'm serious when I say I'm envious of that!

"I see purple skies and yellow sunsets and people as dark as coal chasing wild dogs the size of deer with their big bows. I hear ocean waves tickling the shore and harrumphing elephants calling to one another. I smell dust from the savannah and leather drying in the sun. Breathing out, I can feel my storybook Africa, but the words are my thoughts and the pictures are my drawings." I think this is my favorite description! I don't know why... it just paints such a clear picture!! And I really like that you used Africa here.

BUT THE ENDING! I can't even describe how I felt as I was reading it. Sad doesn't seem to be the right word. It just made it more tragic that she was stuck in the place she died, instead of getting to go somewhere lovely.

You seriously PWN when writing tragedies. You always come up with the best ideas! Honestly, I think you're too good for fictionpress. Your work deserves to be published! And I'm not just saying that because I fangirl you either! I mean it :)

Okay, I'm gonna tried to make this as detailed and helpful as yours was for me. I apologize in advance if its epic fail.

I like when stories jump right in with dialogue instead of some winded explanation/intro-thing that I honestly do not care about. It's a nice hook from the beginning, yeah.

M...when I see "foghorn", I think nasally. Like a weird sneeze. I would come up with another word but my brain isn't functioning properly...

And the single quotations are messing me up a bit. I'm not sure what is technically correct, but I was always taught that single quotations are for thoughts and double are for actual dialogue. I'm not totally sure on that one, but it always confuses me when I see it done another way.

Coventry = awesome city name, for real.

"Black and occasional flashes of white haunt the sky, ululating like a discordant piano. I can feel the city levelling out under the bombs in an endless undulation." Gorgeous imagery, dude. Wow. Lots of big words to process...I wish I knew what "ululating" means.

‘Tell me you want to be with me, Martin! Tell me that after all this is over you’ll take me away!’ This is supposed to be his sister talking right? If it is, the sentence sounds really couple-y, like incest...:/ Uh...

Scratch that last, I think I get it now. The narrator is Erica, Peggy is her sister, and Martin is Peggy's boyfriend. I think.

I like the animal comparisons, with the "talon-like fingernails" and hips like a hippo. More good imagery...it allows me to conjure my own image in my head without you pointedly writing out long-winded descriptions about her appearance. Very nice. :)

The Africa metaphor is dropdeadgorgeous, really, and how it correlates with all the destruction.

"It’s not –

Not –

Blue. Black. White. Red. Brick. Fire." -- Ooh, I really liked this part too, like someone's real thought process if they were experiencing all this, they would think in fragments, not complete, grammatically correct sentences. Again, awesome. :)

"Martin’s neatly oiled hair is now all straggly and grey in places, with ash, I think." This would be so much better without the "I think" at the end there. There's another place you do that too, its too pensive...you wouldn't be pondering the man's hair in the midst of the world falling around you, would you? It takes away from the action and excitement...you're all worked up and then..."I think." You could do without.

"I crumple and feel my skin peel away from my bones like old rubber gloves." M, it's BRILLIANT.

"A phantom and a teddy bear lost in a ghost town." This line is so morbid, but poignant and sweet at the same time. Love it.

"The bridge still stands, Greyfriar’s Bridge, and some nights I sleep under it with Teddy and we dream of Africa. Each night the mossy slime drips down from the droopy arches, pus from festering wounds, and I feel the bridge shaking with sobs. He was left behind too." Aw, poor bridge. Excellent imagery.

See the little "I thinks" should have been left in the little aftermath section, it would belong better. Or maybe just take them out all together.

I like how concise and simple the last line is compared to the rest of the story. Overall, I really loved it, you're a brilliant writer, mister. Lots of fantastic imagery, and with a few small fixes it could be even better.

Wow, I have never given such a long review! But you deserve it, you helped me a lot. :) I have a new story too...I'm not sure if I even really like it, I wrote it at like four in the morning, but you can check it out if you want. You don't have to send any ridiculous feedback or anything, but yeah...just letting you know. :)

pst babs Greyfriar's bridge is in Shrewsbury...not Coventry! I know most of your readers are yanks but you can't get it past me!

Aside from that I lovelovelove your imagery. Descriptions are as always gorgeous, albeit a little extensive...? Unless that was what you wanted :)

You're definitely better at describing broken bridges than William Topaz McGonagall XD I swear that's a compliment.

Love you man!

I've decided that if we ever meet, I'm going to force you to marry me. Don't worry, I'm totally okay with bigamy so you can marry other people too. I'm just going to marry the part of you who writes. Deal?

No offense or anything but the name Martin is such a turn off. Like ew, much? But maybe that's just me. Anyways. I'm going to highlight what I LOVED first. The imagery. You are like a god. A god of description and imagery. Shakespeare would be jealous. For real.

Also, this place named Coventry? Why do I not inhabit it? Awesome city name much?

'Black and occasional flashes of white bloom everywhere, like lilies in a film documentary.' I didn't like the simile. Not going to lie it was just...not that good. A film documentary? That's the best you could come up with? Doug, please. I was happy with the black and occasional flashes of white but the comparison to lilies in a film documentary is just not going it for me.

And the second thing that made me cringe: 'It’s near, but too far away to be really real.' Really real? Seriously? I'm not even going to say what I think. Find another way to say 'really real'.

What I did love was the animal imagery. Totally reminds me of King Lear. And it was well done too. The comparison of Peggy to a tiger was just purr-fect.

'The way her hips stick out through the coat so sharply makes me think of hippopotamuses, from the storybooks at home.' Last I checked hippopotamuses have ROUND hips that bulge not sharp ones. Find another animal with sharp, sticky hips or something. This doesn't work.

'I hear ocean waves tickling the shore and harrumphing elephants calling to one another.' I loved this line though. 'Ticking the shore'-heart- That was gorgeous.

'She’s ruining my blue skies, so I open my eyes to glare at her and…

It’s not –

Not –

Blue. Black. White. Red. Brick. Fire.' This part was my second favourite. I loved what you did here with the colours and the cut off thoughts. Reminds me of In the Skin of A Lion. Non-linear and beautiful. Also the description of the bridge was made of win.

'Running, running, roaring, screaming, begging, folding, and I hold Teddy close to my heart and I think he whines like a dog.' MY FAVOURITE PART. So I have this thing for verbs bing put together like that to give a dramatic, helpless effect and just wow. You nailed it. Je t'aime.

'I crumple and feel my skin peel away from my bones like old rubber gloves.' You're just on a role huh? This was my favourite simile. The effect was at once real and somewhat unthinkable. Imaging my skin peeling off as easily as a pair of rubber gloves is strong imagery. I love that. I think I just loved how you killed her period.

You need to work on your run on sentences. That seems to be one of your biggest issues. I know you love description but sometimes, like I've said before, you can do this description in a few sentences rather than one long-winded one.

'I feel sad for the bridge.' D:

Nice ending. It was touching, reflective. I felt a bit let down though, to be honest. I think you could have made it more hard hitting. But I'm satisfied and really, I love this. The first time I read it I was filled with this giddy, 'Omg! He did not write this!' feeling. It's pretty darn epic. Is it a one-shot or chaptered?

Love,
Nav, :D

abajee! :] my new word.
you're amazing with imagery! you've described everything so well and i could just IMAGINE being there and watching everything and ohmygosh, it's ohso sad too.
i especially loved this: "I crumple and feel my skin peel away from my bones like old rubber gloves." i don't know why. that line just leaps out at me and attacks me with its super sad awesomeness!
i also like how you've done the scene in a child's point of view :D

Semi-colons need to be were a few commas are. comma are needed and need to be gotten rid of. it was a but distracting, i can't remember where... and at first, i was confused, the beginning didn't play out right in my head, but as i read on, it became much better :]

i liked the desricptions, and the way you used smilies, they were very picturing, making the story much more interesting. good work!!