I don't read Japanese very well, but I loved the English translation! The poem has a good rhythm and beat to it. It just sings. Keep writing!

I like how you translate it like that. The only thing is you do the title in English first, but in the piece you do it second. That inconsistency bothered me because I'm OCD like that.

I don't really like the 're that you do, 'cause it's not something we do in English and so it seems awkward to fit the syllable count. I like your punctuation with the exclamation point, it works well. I also like your descriptions and word choice. Nicely done.

PS If you're bored check out the Review Game forum and or its Review Marathon (link in my profile)