write more, write more! please, I wanna know if they kill each other or not. Okay, I'm just joking about that. Again, ttys!
~Patchy

how do you know I'm reading this? I might not be reading this? Ever think of that? Nah, I guess not...hmm...umm...it is a good story, but for someone like you to be writing this...its just strange...yeaah...ttyl, ok?
~Patchy

aw thats so sad! his poor brother! That was a cute chapter though, keep updating it s great!

-Blue

wow!! UPDATE SOON!

I love it! Totally...why do you have less reviews? You deserve more!! I promise I'll review always from now on!! ^_^ Let's be friends!

I like this story. Umm I'm not sure what to say lol

Keep going =]

OMG UPDATE This story is great! PLZ Update FAST! love it!

-Blue

omg i love your chapters so far!
but you cant really keep track of whos saying what.
but please keep writting!
i love it!

:D
It wouldn't let me review chapter one because of you collection of short stories you had here.
So here is what I thought...
I begin to dwell up tears, I don't know why. Maybe its just her situation, maybe its the reference to the Red Sea. IDK.
Okay, Chapter 2...
Lookies! You used my name I suggested for the band. Her life totally sucks. I mean seriously, she is always left alone and Damison or whatever his name is annoys her. All she has is punk music. Why punk? It is depressing. That fits though...
I bet you the dude joining is Damien...
lol, Faedyn wants the main charector to hook up with this dude...
OMG. My prediction was right. Told you her life sucks...
Smiling Star Angel
ps. I was reviewing while reading...
:D :D :D

Wow!! You really left us with a cliffhanger. I really like the story so far, I think it has a great plot. I think Faedyn is my most favorite character, she's really spunky.Plus I really like your characters' names. They're very original. Keep going, I can't wait for updates!!

Typo in paragraph 5: "ZThey" should be "They" (obviously).

I see you've added character information, particularly on the girl. It's good, but a little too forced. You are trying to let us learn about the characters by telling us who they are instead of showing us.

A list of attributes is a character sheet. A set of events that let us know who they are is character depth. You want to aim for smooth, intriguing character depth.

The self-mutilation sequence was good; it displayed a part of Jocelyn's personality through a display. That was a proper example of good storytelling, as you examined the character without being blunt and saying it outright.

On that note, I'm also afraid that by making her a masochistic angst-ridden teenager who was abused as a child, you risk making her cliche. By fitting it into a drastic "perfect guy, plain girl" romance story (an already cliche genre), the story seems to be the spawn of a daydream birthed from the pits of boredom, not a creative effort.

I know last time I said that the concept was good, but I'm afraid that with this revision, you've nearly turned the protagonist into a Mary Sue.

With all honesty, there's no way to fix that. You just have to dismantle everything, remove what is bad, and try to piece it back together. I wouldn't suggest that at this point, since you've already made a notable change to the short story. Just keep this in mind for your next one.

I'll say first off that this was not poorly written at all. I see no technical flaws and nothings drastic that needs dire correction.

However, I'm afraid the storytelling quality of this short story isn't very notable.

There's nothing wrong with the concept; on the contrary, it had a lot of potential. What you failed to do was investigate the characters and their situations. It was more like reading a synopsis than a story.

You wrote in a manner that the readers learn about the characters, but not very much. We don't need to know their names, hair color, or favorite '90s boy-band, but it would be good to know their personalities in a deeper sense than what you provided.

We know that the boy has a cancer victim mother, and that he has eyes that are able to give off great passion. That's good, but it's not much to chew on.

As for the girl, we have even less to work with. We know her name and that's really it.

The situation is fluid--too fluid. The only major conflict ended in the second paragraph. Think about that: if the climax is so early, there's no pushing force in the story. Just a series of events.

Again, it's not a bad story. It just has a lot of unused potential.

Wgat was the song you were listening to? I like the short story (the way it was written not the resolution)It was very interesting, the meaning of it all. I loved how it seemed one way and its like "aww" i mean it was a typcal "happily ever after" story, but then it changed and was like "oh my god. How horrible." Good story :)
~rflattsbtbr7 (i didn't read anyone else's reviews this time!)

:0
Wow thats depressing. Interesting though.
SMiling Star Angel

Wow. You really know how to make me sad.

I would like to note that that's not a typical suicide note; a suicide note usually is a self-reflection, not a narration.