Im not sure how i like the whole relationship between Lane and Dawn...i mean we love lane b/c she's wild and all over the place without shame...so its going to be wierd with her in a relationship, all committed and absorbed in Dawn. What with the problems that Jiece is having we need at least one carefree wild child in the picture.

Great chapter!

this is great. there are some spelling and grammatical errors throughout, but very minor. the plotline and characters are awesome. Dive and Jeice are so cute together and Freddie is hilarious. and Laney, well she's an interesting one. keeps the story fun. keep going. can't wait for an update!

I so feel your pain... but!

Take your time and good luck on your ( busy busy busy ) life!

Ganbatte ne!

poor Jeice is going through a sexuality crisis lol. This is fun, and ... well, I feel for Dive, I really do.

aw!! Omg. how sad. :'( that was sweet tho. And completely unespected. KEEP GOING~

Ahh~ This was so nice, although, I got a little mad at Jeice because he is like, somewhat in love with Dive.. but he can't figure it out. This chapter, in all it's awesome-filled glory, seemed like it was written with so much emotion. Also, some of it was so cute that I was reading it to my friends. XD; They were like "Oh, hey, that sounds interesting," so I'm now trying to get them to read it. :'D Can't wait for more, and keep up the good work~

Hey, I like this story, it's cute and you have some good characterisation going on. What are holding it back are just a few little things, mostly technical in nature.

For example, you don't need to indicate the person you're referring to with adjectives every time they do something, especially considering this is written in first person. You have Jeice thinking of Dive as:

"the dark-skinned dancer"

"the dancer"

"the darkly tanned male"

"The other male"

"The older man"

It's a common trap that people fall into, especially on this site. Maybe because they feel that just using, "him," or the person's name gets too repetitive. Seriously, it doesn't. Firstly there's no way Jeice is going to think like that in his first person narration, people just don't think like that including those in the audience so it comes across as cumbersome. Secondly it's not giving the audience enough credit. We know Dive is older, has tanned skin and is a dancer, and we certainly know that he's male, we really don't need to be reminded of that at every turn. Also at one point you call Dive a "boy" which is just...confusing.

The other major point is something I like to refer to "Twilight Syndrome" which is where a little too much time is spent on how good a character looks. Your not too bad with this, but the one instance where it did pop up was a little...jarring. It's here,"...showing off his angelic features. A smirk is cracked on that chiseled face..." This is just an important tip for writing good romance: the audience is very likely to just make the characters beautiful in their minds anyway (we're shallow creatures), a couple of sentences when they're introduced is generally enough to cement that in the readers' minds, you really don't need to labour the point. What ends up happening is that the characters' attractiveness becomes the major focus, as opposed to an actual romance, which two people finding, either through (or despite) their similarities, differences or shared experiences, that they truly care about each other and love each other. If you keep going back to the fact that they're beautiful, it just looks like lust, regardless of what else you do, unless of course that beauty is intrinsic to plot or whatever, which in this case it really isn't.

Anyway, I doubt you've read all of that so I'll just wrap it up here, other than that your only problems are a few grammatical errors and a tendency toward the cliche. And yeah, just in case you sort of lost it there in the deluge of criticism, I actually like this story, I wouldn't have bothered otherwise.

I completely love this chapter. I loved converation between Jeice and his grandfather. Glad the old guy turned out to be a good guy.

So i started reading this a few hours ago just because it seemed interesting. I LOVE it. You can never go wrong with a male stripper! I want to learn about his past...and who's Gus. There's so many questions! Grandpa was OK with it. I was so ecstatic even though i knew it would happen. Everything in this story just makes you want to continue reading and find out what happened. Laney and D..ana? I'm not sure why i forgot her name but ... when did they get together? I hope she tells a quick story so we can understand that. Anyhow...update soon!!

One of the best chapters you have written so far! Great job!

What a great chapter! Thank you for the update!

I'm so glad Jeice's grandfather decided to try and break the family curse of unhappiness. Once an attitude has been so deeply ingrained for generations, it's really hard to break the circle, so it's really wonderful he was able to do so.

The Dive and Jeice dynamics in this chapters were great. Can't wait to find out what's going to happen next!

oh how i wish you would update this more often, it's good and things are starting to get interesting as jeice begins to understand his feelings for dive :D yay!
please update soon!? ... not that i'm begging or anything... O.o

Aw, poor Dive...and poor Jeice.
D :

wonderful story. I hope to read more of it soon : D

"poignant pupils"
nice alliteration. : D
My god, this is defiantly something I would do.
Actually I was already planning it. Except there was a lot more deceit in my plan...

ANYWAYS, I like how this is written.
Good job.

ZOMG! Finally Laney and Dawn go out. Damn straight! Lolz, I loved it. I forgot about how much I loved anything gay I've been so straight so long. lolz.
You have awakened me yet again. Love you babe.

Keep writing.

PS, I feel like Mickey has a role now. Does he? Or don't answer. But if you can that'd be awesome. Unless it's too big of a spolier. lolz, nvm.

Love, Esther