Review Game

This is different from the type of story that's usually on fp so that's good. It sounds like one of those horror movies from long ago "the blobs from outer space" or something.

I like that you go into the action right at the start, it gives the piece energy.

Some of the writing is a bit ackward.
eg
"Standing around a path of beeping machines, splurging with red and green slime, and mountain’s of computer chips and papers that were scattered around many decks, were twelve men admiring the only engine that wasn’t beeping uncontrollably or about to explode" -->This is almost a run on sentence. Too long, especially at the start of an action piece.
"Hours after an explosion, in a hidden cavern of the church, excluding the Millen brothers, there were eight preachers and scientists found covered in blood"--> ok there was an explosion in a hidden cavern of the church and 8 people were killed but not the brothers? This sentence is confusing as is and should be rewritten.

I see a few misplaced commas and you spelt prologue wrong.
Also it's not really clear to me what's happening to the 12 men at the beginning. Are the monsters eating them? Why do you say at the end that there are 2 monsters left. You only mentioned 1 at the onset.
s

Review game!

What I liked: It's an interesting start to your Nanowrimo story (what was this, a kinda "test run"?), though I can't really comment on its originality etc. as I don't read a lot of sci-fi. Anyway, I liked how you just started the story by jumping right into the action. It's a very sure way of grabbing a reader's attention, although I personally would have had a bigger build-up.

I also liked how you described the creature as having "just teeth". It's a very simple statement, but it sure packs a punch.

As for what I think could be improved... Well, I think I should point out that it's actually spelt "prologue" for a start... ;) And as I've said before, more detail/build-up can only help. I know that this is just the prologue, and you're just setting the scene, but I do think that it would have helped if you'd introduced the hero/ine of the story here too, as I don't feel like I know ANY of your characters to care whether they're being attacked by an alien... thing? But I'm sure you're already doing/have done that in your PROPER Nano entry :)

Review Game!

Well, firstly, so glad you sound like you have such high hopes and expectations for this story! Best to keep positive, and push on!

Now, onto the critique...

When I first started this, I was really interested in finding out just what this machine does, why it was acting different from the rest and just why the scientists were so excited about it. Then one just turns round and - boom: B-Movie Central, Last Stop! No offence, but it just seems like the scientist, machine, or even the setting had no relevance to the story - hopefully we'll be proved wrong in the future! I, for one, would like to discover a reason why the monsters attacked (needless to say what they are, too!), and what links the scientists, the priests and the news reporter.

Or is there no link? Are these two just randomly selecting humans for eradication in very messy ways with vague zealous overtones...? That would also be interesting, but again my warning would be against falling into the 'B-Movie' pit: Give the monsters reason, give the reader more of a sense of a plot (the more original and exciting, the better when it comes to seemingly random and weird blob-monsters) and structure, and you should be in for a great ride of a story!

One thing I DID like, as I mentioned quickly before, is the vague, mysterious religious utterings the monsters always whispered between meals, lol. Good touch, there.

Keep working on this, as I'd like to see where it goes!

Dave/Cy

a review from the review game in celebration of its first birthday! :D

“prolouge” – should be spelled “prologue…” XD

I felt you used a lot of “passive tense” such as: “brown liquid that was slowly eroding…” instead of “brown liquid eroding…” If you can get rid of the verb “to be” please do! It makes the writing more vivid and active. :)

I also felt that the story went a little fast – I felt you tried to keep it too vague and didn’t give enough details. I wasn’t sure where the monsters came from, or what exactly was going on.

Some of the dialogue was a little unnatural – sometimes, I couldn’t really take the terror or fear seriously. Instead of typing “ah” I think it might be more effective to just write that the man screamed, or something along those lines.

But I found it interesting that the monsters were punishing the scientists for their sins by sinning… ^^;;

Anyway, good luck with this! Keep writing!

-Lefty