Hmm, I liked the idea of the Valkriles (sorry if I mispelled that). I did find the transition between the scene of finding Joey, to the scene of Fridgof to be a little bit fast an ackward. But congrades on finishing the whole thing!

sounds great so far! i like the characters, and i like your style. i think i'm reading too quickly to catch many errors, but that's okay. I know the other reviewers have already caught any that are there.
I'm curious about how the fantasy is going to fit into this story. I'm relieved to read about adults--we're always bombarded by teen-aged main characters.
Good job.

Ah. I don't really have much to say, except that I like your style a lot. I've always found it hard to critque the middle of a story.

Wow, I was first attracted to this story because it reminds me of one of mine and I have to say that I like what I'm reading so far! I hope the rest is as good as the start!!
And by the way, there's a bit of redundancy in this chapter when Mike realized that the guy was James towards the beginning of the chapter and then once again towards the end... just had to point that out...
Anyway, keep it up! I look forward to reading the rest!

Even weirder...I have long dark brown hair and brown eyes...and I am in honers classes...so weird...

This is madness, from gaia. Since your always helping me with my story, I felt kind of obligated to read yours.

So far I like it. The story line is decently interesting and you have great style. But it can get confusing. Really really confusing. One moment the guy is talking about his wife and then the next moment someone is yelling at him. For example, at the end of chapter 3 The guy gets drunk, then it says something about a snake...and then the next moment it says he is taking shrooms. Also I was slightly dissapointed with the lack of tension. Getting shot is a pretty big deal.

**Unrelated**
My name is Kristin (Not Kristen or Christen) in real life.

I only got to about chapter six, and I like your writing style, it's clear, for one, and easy to read, for two, which I like. I don't like re-reading things.

It got a bit confusing for me from time to time, like with the world, it seemed a bit too confusing, how fast it changed from him being depressed, to the nice beaches. Then again, I may have read something wrong.

I'll read the other chapters later, six, seven, eight and nine, when my eyes stop hurting. (I dispise Fiction Press' font and colors for some reason.)

Yet all in all, it wasn't that bad. A bit boring and dull from time to time, and confusing, but not that bad, in all.

"She can do so much more better" should just be "much better." I "never see him since yesterday." should be "haven't seen"

This actually typifies this chapter. It's good, but the editing is sloppy, and it feels rushed in general. It needs a clean-up in a very big way.

As this is the last chapter to date, I'll sum things up for now. Basically, the writing is good over-all, the story isn't a radical change from the norm, but your story telling is solid. Your editing could use some work, but it's nothing that can't be fixed.

I'll certainly keep reading as I'm able, and you upload chapters. Good luck.

This one will serve for this chapter and the last, as I only had a couple comments not worth a whole review slot.

In the last chapter you used the word "legit" in the narrative. This should be extended into "legitimate." The slang word wasn't appropriate to the line at that time.

In this chapter, right at the end you have a typo. "one of the represented fire. . ." which should clearly be "them".

The writing has GREATLY improved since the first few chapters, and the story is very readable. I could easily see myself reading this, at this point, in the form of a book curled up on the bed.

While I won't claim it's anything very revolutionary, it's extremely solid work. .

Just one comment here on Chapter 6, and that's a continuity correction.

Around the middle someone approaches Michael Langley and asks if he's Michael Langley, and he says no, it's Michael but not Langley.

I believe you wanted this to read as the person asking if he's Michael Stewart, his apparent counter-part in this world.


Moving on, this is getting pretty damned good. I'm intrigued and eager to keep going.

Now we're getting somewhere.

One of those last lines seems like it should be "you to tell me" but you have it the other way around.

This is so far very typical of what I'll call the inter-dimensional romance scenario that began with John Carter on Mars, took a detour through Narnia and has followed up through Inuyasha, but I approve of it in light that the main character is a real person with real problems and some chance in hell of surviving --

as opposed to a manly Hero-with-a-capital-H character or some wandering child.

I am thus far impressed with the writing as the fantasy bit opens up, and foresee some interesting developments due to the presence of these mirrors of the real world.

Oh, hey, there might just be a fantasy story in here some-where.
I have few complaints or statements what-so-ever about chapter 4. There's a few awkward phrases, and the whole thing seems to be jumping forward a bit quickly, skipping some things that could make the story flow more smoothly, but which aren't precisely vital.

[By the way, the reason, if you were confused, as per one of your replies, that these are all separate posts is that they're each for a different chapter. You can see which chapter each review is for in the subject bar of the comment.]

This chapter was better than the last one by far. I was never confused by the dialogue or the narrative, and your descriptions were more than adequate.

The only thing I have to say on this one is a single line:

"However, the excruciating pain wasn’t bad enough for me to [forget] my main goal,"
You just have a single wrong word there. You put remember, but from context I was perfectly able to figure out what you meant to type.

Just one of those simple things that spell-check will never tell you.

I had two immediate impressions upon reading this.

A. Wait, what the hell happened what's going on?

It was an immediate and sudden jump from the prologue, and I wasn't sure who anyone was or what anyone was doing. A more smooth, dream-like change may better suit this story, giving time to identify characters in the here and now.

and

B. This first person narrative is awkward.

In a total reversal from your first chapter, I was fine with the dialogue and got caught on all the narrative. I kept falling out of pace wondering if you had gone to third person, then finding a line where the pronouns became "I" again. This can probably be fixed by putting some more identifying nouns in there.

Sorry, this has been a while coming, but I'm on the job now. I'll review each chapter, if only to let you know where I am reading it.

I like the writing in this, but some of the dialogue is awkward. There are just certain words that don't feel quite right from the characters, as I see them now.
For a unique chapter, it runs pretty short. This may account for my sense of disconnect right now, and I hope that will fade as I read on.

It's classified as fantasy, but at the chapter break, it seems like a slice-of-life type story.