|Reviews for Forgive Me Father, For I Have Sinned|
| Palantean Writer 1/11/10 . chapter 1
"Of course, she’d have nothing less on her feet – the heels emphasised the beauty of her feet, the jade green strap drawing attention to the pedicure on the deep red nails, the white curve at the tip of each toe perfect. Like the heels she wore, her feet were beautiful and in fact, perfect. Everything about her was perfect." I feel that you use the words 'feet' and 'perfect' here a little too often. While the repetition may be deliberate, I think you need to find alternative words/ways of expressing what you mean. It destroys the flow of the sentence, makes it feel a bit stilted.
Past that, there's an intuitive sense of the woman's emotions, of the auto-pilot quality of her emotions for the church. The opening 'feel' is well-chosen. She's cynical but practical.
Ah. You switch from the woman's POV to the man's. I think you need a scene break there to avoid confusion. I had to do a double-take when that happened.
M, you've got some naughty badness simmering in this one, though!
"“Where is she?” Iorwerth whirled around, hands to his head and running a hand through his dark hair, anger flushing his tanned face.
“Calm down.” A teenage boy looked up from the beer he was drinking; jet black hair falling lazily over one eye. His shoulders were slumped, his expression clearly one of indifference. “When has she ever let you down Ed?”"
Was this meant to be a new scene? I can't quite tell. It seems to be. I thought at first that the priest and his temptress had been interrupted.
I'm wondering whether FictionPress has given you problems with scene-breaks, like it has me in the past.
I'm a little confused as to who each character is in that final scene. Perhaps you could use a bit more description. Perhaps a little backstory, too.
Mm hmm, so you seem to have a subtle cliffhanger: what's going to happen between Lil and Harry, just who - or what - Lil is, and what's going to become of this guilt-ridden priest. But it needs a bit more definition at the end. I feel the beginning of this chapter is strong and punchy, but the impact disperses in that conversation at the bar at the end.
Keep on with this one, though. Overall, you've started well!
- Pay back via Shamanics.
- From the Roadhouse.