this story is AMAZING x infinity! you need to update!

Every now and there appears to be missing words or incomplete sentences that make you falter sort of. You stop and think about the flow of things, which gets in the way. Most of the sentences are also passive, which against is against the atmosphere and mood you're trying to set here. I mean in terms of trying to set the tone in this scene, things should be more active. Often commas seemed to be misused as well - in some cases maybe it could have been a dash, a new sentence or simply phrased differently. I have to say that the 'I' parts often distinctly in its own paragraphs feel different from the other parts, but the whole piece I believe is in first person, but the language and tone is different - it's rather strange.

I liked how the story was building up and there was suspense and all, but there seems to be some repetition - at least in the description said of things. It's a little as if things get repeated or they slightly go around in circles. You sure do try to capture every tidbit in full detail, but at times over the limit. First person is very biased and you only see a very narrow view of everything. It's a twisted view as well. It feels slow for something that's meant to be fast paced. I can definitely feel the story, the main characters and the situation, but something's holding it back a little.

Overall: I adore this story so far. It keeps me very interested throughout both chapters. Onto the critique now.

Your strongest points:

Grammar: Flawless, well, almost. There were a few incidences where grammar was a bit off. "With a look of boredom, he pointed towards the door that lead to the hall." I think you meant led or leads. However, only minor incidences that did not take away from the story. I found this to be awesome because I have grammar issues and so do so many stories and it was wonderful to read one that just flowed so well.

Character Relations: I loved the relationship between Skylar the his "Princess". xD It was very realistic and I loved the way the girl reacted. It was very believable and I enjoyed reading about it. The jabs at one another and the dialog truly engaged me.

Things that need a tad bit of improvement:

Technique: Like the others have been saying, starting at this point is a bit confusing. I would have liked to know more about Gwen before she gets kidnapped. It does work well, but that's just a preference for me.
Subpoint: I would have liked a bit more background on the world they are in as well. It was a bit confusing at the beginning, while I knew this was sci-fi, a bit more info in what I'm getting into would be lovely.

Description: If you had described the aliens more it would have been wonderful. There picture is still a bit fuzzy in my brain and I would like to be clear as with your main character. Again, it goes into more background but I am fairly curious in knowing what other races your mind as created. Maybe just a bit more about the aliens and their customs will come later on.

Overall (again): Fantastic story, I look forward to more. =D

This is very very good. I can't wait for the rest!

-Captain Dark

OMG, that was ridiculously amazing/
I think this will be my next favorite story!

This is, in lack of better words, absolutely brilliant. Your writing style is superb, the flaws few and far between, the details vivid but not excessive, the characters have a sense of realism, but are still unusual enough to hold the feel of fantasy, the plot and designs are unique and eloquent...it took me into your world easily and kept me there. I could stop and start at any time effortlessly, but did I want to stop? Of course not!
I am most impressed with your work, my dear. You are what I aspire to be. (Though I'm not normally a fan of first person. :P )
There are just a few typos, but considering the immense amount of worse squeezed into these two chapters I can't be too upset when you say thrown instead of throne, or feat instead of feet. (Two real examples.) We all make those mistakes, especially when we get caught up in the moment while writing.
As a fellow writer and a fan of literature I salute you. Speed to your pen. Best of luck writing in the future. :3

And you call MY story good? Dammit woman, when they told her to breathe I didn't even realise that I'd stopped breathing until one of the people passing me told me to do the same. That was... electric. I'm sure glad I decided to read this.

I thought you had a good beginning. Your beginning description with the colors and bubbling really caught my eye. Actually your description was pretty good and I enjoyed your chapter length a lot. It's nice to see a long chapter with substance. :)

The only thing I disliked was the beginning with the aliens. You barely described them. I feel like you should have taken the time to describe them besides their skin color and that they had tattoos on their bodies.

BTW I really like the name Gwen!!

Ok, I thought this chapter was very good as far as finding out what's going on, but it kind of bugged me that Gwen couldn't make up her mind whether or not she was afraid of or in love with Skylar and how she felt about the whole princess ordeal. I understand that her life has just been turned around, but she keeps going from one extreme to another and it doesn't seem authentic. On the other hand, I really like Skylar's personality and development as well as where you are taking the story. Thanks for updating, I've been wanting to read more of this story - can't wait for the next chap!

This is for the Review Game:

The grammar and spellings are fine - as far as I could see. Your sentences are very well written and the scenes flow with a certain amount of ease.
This chapter is a perfect example of an extremely well-thought out piece of prose. It is very interesting no doubt.
But, I would suggest you put the first chapter up first and continue the story chronologically. Because, readers will feel lost if they are suddenly thrust into the middle of the story.
How did Gwen end up here? Why aren't her parents with her? What's going on?
Even though the protagonist herself is asking this question, you should remember that readers like to be intrigued not confused.
I hope this wasn't too harsh. Just trying to give good advice. May be chronological chapters would solve the problem? Or inserting stuff that happened in the recent part in between the chapter can help?
Just a suggestion.
Otherwise, it makes for a very good read. And coming from someone who doesn't normally read Sci-Fi...it's a good compliment...so be happy and write the first chapter...
~Misty Elizabeth

this story is pretty cool, please keep updating!!

Wow, I'm really excited for this story. I think what you;ve shown so far is very interesting and I can't wait to see what happens between the two main characters. Hopefully you can update soon!

Very cool beginning! I like ^_^ Will be waiting to read more~

She's freaking out a bit too much in my opinion... but I guess that's a normal response to such a situation. Not everyone can be as weird as me XD (If I were in that situation I really won't react much, and just go with the flow.)

I don't usually read sci-fi but this one's very interesting. Please update soon.

I really like it, looks like its going to be really good! keep up the good work!